Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.
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[NASCAR Press Conference]
REPORTER: What’s your race strategy?
DRIVER: Fast circles
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
Daughter: dada I’m scared of the dark.
Me: oh honey the dark’s more scared of you than you are of it.
Daughter:
Me: [turns off light] goodnight.
The Dark: oh shit oh shit where’d that creepy little girl go?
Hot sauce has plenty of vitamin C! *slaps orange out of hand
[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living
How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?
He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…
I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind
The accuracy #BlowsMyMind
“WTF?”
“Seriously?”
“How could you?”
“Oh, man!”
“I’m right here.”
-my dog watching me throw food in the trash
Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.
Heard another parent tell their kid that when the ice cream truck plays its jingle
it means they’ve sold out of ice cream. Using that now.
Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you
ME: Is it because I thought cleavage was a period in history where they fought with only axes?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem
Today’s workout. 5 x 7 min intervals. 1 hour walk. Helped demolish my neighbour’s shed. I’ve never seen anyone so angry.
me: siri, clear my evening appointments, i’ve got a date tonight.
siri: “lol yeah ok. beep boop beep. gotcha.”
BRO LMFAO
Dance like you haven’t fallen off that pole twice already.
My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.
I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.
I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.
Cashier: Your total is $2,967.
Me: Okay. Please take off the greeting card.
Cashier: Your total is now $7.
Your home, like all homes, has an extra light switch that appears to do nothing when flipped. Nevertheless, you pass many idle hours curiously flipping it up and down. Far away, enormous dressage horses spawn out of thin air in my kitchen. Stop flipping the horse switch. Please.
My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm
I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman
I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.
HER: I’m pansexual.
ME: Oh, cool.
*quietly nudges a cabinet door shut with my foot, hiding my pots and pans*
Noted.
If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.