I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman
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Strange to think that exactly four years ago at the start of lockdown in the UK we all began stockpiling pasta, yeast and toilet paper. Those were some of the worst meals I’ve ever eaten.
Just bought Colgate mouthwash ’cause it builds stronger gums and someday my gums might have to lift a car off a baby.
me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief
also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom
this is uni
me: I can’t decide what to have
waiter: what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have lasagna
Her: I like a guy who’s mechanically inclined
Me: *tilts my chair back all the way*
Her: no, I mean good with cars
Me: *hits play on the movie Cars*
No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.
In my house, we celebrate Mother’s Day a week late, so we can save on all the mothers who are on sale
Me: In closing, your honour, you put the gem in judgement. *winks*
Judge: *blushing and smiling* What, no I don’t. Stop it.
I love to watch the look of panic on my husband’s face when I pull a pair of panties out of my drawer and say, “um, these aren’t mine.”
“I’m here for the hookers and the booze!!!”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers… “I’m here for the hookers and the booze.”
Spelling out ‘A-L-E-X-A’ so your Alexa device doesn’t respond, is the new, spelling out ‘W-A-L-K’ so your dog doesn’t get excited.
[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate
If Reincarnation ends up being real…
Those People who got “YOLO” tattoos are going to look… Pretty Silly
*maintains eye contact while checking ‘Dating Librarians For Dummies’ out from the library.
If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”
Me: Did you finish the banana bread?
16: yep
Me: Great, because it was actually a healthy zucchini bread.
16: THIS HOUSE IS FULL OF LIES!
[arrives at party]
ME: This was a good idea.
*30 seconds later*
MY WILL TO LIVE: I’m gonna go wait in the car.
I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.
5yo: [loudly whispers] MOMMY, SEE? WE’RE LETTING YOU AND DADDY SLEEP! AREN’T WE DOING GOOD?
Me: [in bed] Yeah. You’re doing GREAT.
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
Stop telling me not to feed ducks bread because it kills them.
Literally all my favorite foods will kill me. Let ducks enjoy themselves.
[family hears me pull in driveway]
wife: please don’t
wrestling announcer: sorry ma’am he already paid me. NOW ENTERING THE HOUSE FROM WORK
[Bookstore]
Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
EARTH: *celebrates her 50th Earth Day*
BILLIONAIRES: *start eyeing younger planets*
I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.
I would love to be British. Drinking my leaf water and staring at a huge clock from my red phone booth, adding extra letters to wourds.
It’s my birthday!
This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈
Who the hell invented Bull Riding?
“Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me!!!”