I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.
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Women dressed head to toe in animal print just bumped into me, thought I was being attacked my an obese leopard.
Push me aside, but I will come back. Hide me, but I will always emerge.
I AM POWER.
I AM RESILIENCE.
I AM A BRA STRAP.
mentally somewhere in italy
Bear 1: Is that guy playing Nickelback on his hike?
Bear 2: Yup. Give me a minute to stretch.
paddle faster i hear baby shark
if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.
[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine
What helps a pedophile walk and do his job?
A Candy Cane.
Heading to the hairdresser after lockdown like
i listed my ex as my emergency contact at my new job bc if i have a heart attack i need to tell kathy to burn in hell one last time
Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books
Being a parent is less like opening a wardrobe to find Narnia & more like opening a sock drawer to find a potato chip.
Welcome to Sarcastic Club
Im sooo happy to see you all
Anyone know the 1st rule?
“Be less sarcastic?”
Ooo lets have this guy teach the class
“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.
“Compassionate capitalism” is when they use phrases like “I see you, I hear you, I feel you” before they begin the wage theft
You seem stressed. Perhaps I can help by stepping on your computer’s power button
–cats
M: Yes, I’m here for the complimentary wine tasting.
Priest: Ma’am, this is a church service.
M: Oh, no worries. I can wait.
Me: Can I have a gin and tonic?
Them: Sir, this is an elementary school party.
Me: Fine. MAY I have a gin and tonic?
I was talking to my son and he casually pulled a bag of chips out from under his pillow, and started eating without breaking eye contact
He living his best life
CLIENT: remember what i said
HITMAN: yeah make it look like my little brother
CLIENT: huh
HITMAN: an accident
CLIENT:
HITMAN: i do comedy too
CLIENT: are you any good
HITMAN: i always kill
CLIENT:
HITMAN: that was a joke
CLIENT: ah
Friend: What’s your costume for Halloween?
Me: The Invisible Man
Friend: Bandages and sunglasses?
Me: More realistic.
Friend: You’re not coming to the party are you?
Me: God no.
You are the pebble in my shoe of people.
I’m starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist’s office.
If all your friends jumped off a bridge would you follow them?
Machine learning algorithm: yes.
[robber waving gun around in bank] nobody move a muscle
[me making eye contact with him then to the popsicle in my hand then back to him]
My grandmother reached 100 yesterday!
That’s the last time I get in the car with her when she’s late for bingo.
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.
I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.
Before emjois i had to end texts to my girlfriends with “two girls holding hands* heart* kissy face* glass of wine* nail polish* red lips.”