mentally somewhere in italy
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Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.
By the time you feel a butterfly under your heel, it’s already dead.
Consider it relationship advice.
God gives his worst wrapping skills to his strongest gift givers
Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues
{football huddle}
hey are you guys mad at me?
My husband is working from home and he’s still late.
Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*
Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.
Got a little bit lost in the woods. I’m putting everything into the clothes hamper in case of tics.
Heck, I’m going into the hamper too.
Forcibly throwing positive energy your way out of spite.
My favorite doll’s husband was made by me, of a shampoo bottle and a ping pong ball. Good guy, but he just couldn’t stop losing his head over things. Literally
[Antiques Roadshow]
When this was first painted, the wolves were much further in the background. I would sell it before they reach the frame
I told everyone on Facebook what was “on my mind” and now I’m in jail.
Send cake.
6: *putting on costume* ok, I’m the superhero! Who wants to be my sidekick, and who’s going to be the bad guy?
Mum: No! It’s bedtime, put your PJs on please!
6:….. alright, so mum’s the bad guy!
True dat! 😂😂😂😂
*at bank*
I always think it’s funny when I go to the bank because my last name is Banks
Teller: “haha. First name?”
*Pulls out gun*
Robin
Going to church doesn’t necessarily make you a nice person… It does, however, make you sleepy.
Sales of wood-chippers have gone way up as the quarantine has continued. That makes sense on farms, but most buyers are apartment dwellers.
Never understood football. If I wanted to watch people run into each other I would just go to the mall on a Saturday.
SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you
I don’t know about a butterfly affecting weather in China, but I do know that the violent draft of wind from my eyelids opening seems to wake both babies every morning
lmao
“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”
~police asking for help in my disappearance
it was 1997 i was outside McDonald’s on Queen St age 15, an old lady barked “speak English” at a pair of young Korean men and without missing a beat one of them goes “OOooo i want a nice cup of TEA look at ME I’m ENGLISH i want to eat PLAIN TOAST” i miss him every single day
ME: hey buddy you should wear a mask
CLARK KENT: but the glasses have been working fine
My almost 80 year old father was scrolling through obituaries the other day at breakfast when he noticed that the husband of one of his old girlfriends had passed away. So anyway my dad has a new girlfriend.
Sex with me is like going to the movies. It’s dark & very loud. Bring candy. You can never predict the ending. Some people leave early.
GUY: *cuts me off in traffic
ME: *eating cereal* YOU SIR, SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED DRIVE A CAR!!
*angrily waves spoon
a former teacher who loved saying “lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine” just reached out to me about getting comp tickets to a show of mine because she didn’t realize it would sell out.
wellllllllllllllllllllll well well well WELL.
I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.