{football huddle}
hey are you guys mad at me?
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I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.
Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.
3: I hit you in the head with the shovel
me: um, no thank you
3: it’s ok. I’ll be gentle
I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
I wish I were better at subtweets cause I have some really passive aggressive things I’ld like to say to a couple of you
nobody:
90’s boybands:
(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)
I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.
my dog stole an entire baguette and hid it under her bed so she could eat it in secret and i am only mad bc i did not think of doing that for myself
I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.
Oh sure, when the Fonz uses a public bathroom as his office, he’s “cool”, but when I do it, I’m a “creep”.
My kid’s school asked them to get a family relic for school “show and tell”. He asked what’s a relic and they said ancient things. So he asked me to give him anything I had from my childhood.
I just ate a donut before dinner & told my kids I can cuz I’m an adult so they will see growing up is awesome & eventually leave home.
My husband just said that he’s eating dinner and then he’s coming to bed for dessert and honestly I’m just wondering how he found out about the peanut m&m’s I stashed in my nightstand.
so yesterday i gave my number to a cute guy in the dining hall… LMFAOOO
The valet at the park washroom isn’t wearing pants, should I tip more or less
Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”
Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper
My next superhero script is about a guy in LA who, after a freak gamma ray accident, has the power to drive a car in the rain.
Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist
My daughter made such a cute little doll of me. It even has my real hair. She has it surrounded by some candles, and she’s giving it acupuncture to help the sharp pain in my side go away.
HELLO? HELP! I’VE BEEN KIDNAPPED & DROPPED IN A NON-ENGLISH-SPEAKING COUNTRY & I DON’T KNOW- wait. Nm. Fell asleep at Szechuan Palace again.
The directions to this wedding are in kilometers. I’m either going to be way early or way late.
This is my daughter Amaranth, my son Sorghum, and our dog Millet. Sorry if the photo is a little — grainy.
Boom! Zing! This is free content!
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Sorry I didn’t reply to your text, I just couldn’t find a response that would keep you from sending another
A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.
She was rare, like a Billie Eilish song I can actually hear at normal volume.
One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.
My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.