Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
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You have to love a boss with a sense of humor. Mine just sent me a 7am meeting notice on Outlook and I’ve never laughed so hard…
A corn maze, because the only thing worse than trying to get kids to eat vegetables is trying to get them to walk endlessly through vegetables.
Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
My neighbor is a real douche & always cheating on his wife, so I changed my wifi to KARL IS CHEATING ON YOU AMY for when she needs my wifi.
HER: I love the movie The Shining
ME: [trying to impress] same
HER: what’s ur favorite part
ME: [sweating] when it starts to shine
My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.
Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.
Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet.
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: I don’t have any other feet..
Me: Fair enough.
The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”
Marriage is pretty great except for the part where you have to learn how to read minds.
I bought silk pyjamas to go with our new silk sheets. I jumped into bed and woke up in my neighbour’s flower bed
I’m suspicious of polyamory because a good relationship is like a conspiracy to assassinate the president. You must trust in your fellow conspirators completely, so you have to keep the group as small as possible.
10,000 chores when all you need is a nap
My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back
Me, dating.
Him: Hi Wendy. I’m really excited to find out all about you.
Me: Why? Who have you been talking to?
[Texting]
FRIEND: Hey, sorry I didn’t respond yesterday, just saw your text!ME: *Does not know a single person who is ever more than 6 feet from their phone* Haha, no worries, it happens!
[first Captain to go down with the ship]
Captain: are you sure this a thing? I feel like this isn’t really a thing.
Crew: [already rowing away in the lifeboat]
Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.
Hey electric toothbrush makers-
I don’t think they’re tall enough. One fell over on the counter and only took out four more toothbrushes, two deodorants, a hand soap dispenser, and a scented lotion.
A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story
Me: Why’d my bill go up?
AT&T: u got rid of ur land-line
M: But it should cost less if I have fewer services.
AT&T: And we threw in a donkey
M: I don’t want a donkey.
AT&T: Donkey removal is an extra $50
[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Hey”
Hi
“Can I ask you something?”
Yup
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”
Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”
I pet my dog and she started to purr. Thought I should lay off the drugs until I realized the cat was sitting behind her.
I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.
In 2009, Stephen Hawking hosted an open party for everyone, but only publicized it after it was over; so only time-travelers would know to attend.
As he expected, no one came.
Q: Why did the lawyer put his luggage on the table?
A: He wanted to rest his case.
Went to my uncle’s funeral today open bar pretty good food but my uncle was dead 3/5 stars