The valet at the park washroom isn’t wearing pants, should I tip more or less
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Welcome to your fifties. Now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder. 😵💫
“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.
A ceiling fan? Not before I visited the Sistine Chapel, I wasn’t.
I cannot stop thinking about how the director of Con Air’s previous directing credit was 10 years earlier and it was the music video for Rick Astley’s Never Gonna Give You Up.
Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.
HER: We need to talk.
ME: No one actually NEEDS to talk.
HER: …
ME: I assume we need to talk longer now.
I bought someone’s groceries today and it felt really good… I took a cart that looked like it had what I needed, bought it and left. Saved a lot of time grocery shopping. Amazing feeling.
Me *points gun at clerk*: stick ’em up!! Put Algebra 25 and *looks at college syllabus* Psychology 15 in the backpack!
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
2 wants to be a firefighter when she gets big so she can “save all da people from da pigeons and spiders.” You’re welcome.
Parenting is letting the kids fight it out over who showers first while you sneak away to take your own shower without interruption.
craving $300 all of a sudden
Mario: YAHOO!! *throws banana peel at another cart, eats a mushroom*
Me: This. This is why I don’t take you grocery shopping.
ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there
My neck, my back. My pizza and my snacks.
Interviewer 1: Describe yourself in one word
Me: Hired
Interviewer 2:[whispers] Holy shit can she do that??
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
Don’t pee on my head and tell me it’s raining, buddy!
(In fact please don’t pee on my head and tell me anything, this was just a metaphor but still)
Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed
Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid
If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2
My parenting style right now is like “gentle parenting, gentle parenting, gentle parenting, I’M CANCELLING CHRISTMAS!!!, gentle parenting, gentle parenting…”
I like to pack a healthy lunch for work so that by 3 p.m. I’m ready to do unspeakable things for a piece of chocolate.
[overhears wife complaining about me on phone] he’s always overreacting and making a mess
*spits chocolate milk everywhere* ARE YOU SERIOUS?
I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.
My card chip wasn’t reading properly at the gas station so the guy told me to let him “try and slide it in” and all I could do was laugh like I was 12
(me, as a caveman, inventing religion):
what if there’s a giant sky man who will be like super pissed if you don’t give me money
Yeah but neither are the yachts soooooo 🤷♀️
Remember, if you start with, “It’s crazy to think…” you can say whatever you want.
Stores today are like, thanks for buying this gum, please tip us 20%, apply for our credit card, and round up to save the children. Also fill out this survey.
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle