[plot twist] ur buried vertically
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her: i like a guy that can last long 😉
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit
You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.
*tries to be less adorable*
*fails*
Throwing a spear at your enemy is a bad gamble. If you miss you have no spear now and he’s just fine. He’s better than fine; now he has a spear.
How do you stop a rhino from charging?
You take away its USB cable.
I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!
because they’re holding me hostage
I just stabbed my salad 23 times with my fork & now it’s a Caesar Salad.
My husband asked for a back scratcher for Father’s Day so apparently my days are numbered
Then he told me, “Where you see only one set of footprints, that’s where I had to carry you because you drank all the water I turned into wine.”
When your 1st kid crawls into your bed, you carry them back to theirs. 2nd kid crawls into your bed, you let them stay because you’re tired. When the 3rd kid gets into your bed, you go sleep in theirs and it’s the best night you’ve had in 8 years.
Them: The meek shall inherit the earth
the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good
Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.
I lost my voice so basically I’m every mans dream girl right now.
Wife *rubbing her belly* we’ve got a date for our ultrasound
Me: omg
Wife: are we gonna find out what it is?
Me *googling what is ultrasound* way ahead of you
Veterinarian: Curiosity killed the cat.
Dog: Sure, go with that.
[Freddy Krueger enters my dream but I’m blasting Rebecca Black on repeat]
Who’s nightmare is it now Freddy?!
She wasn’t quite sure
Brad was a bit older
He seemed kind of shy
But she was much bolder
She asked him to dinner
“I’d love to” he told her
When she kissed him good night
Things started to smolder
But she ended it there
And gave the cold shoulder
When she got a ring
She’d be Anna
Psychologist: I found that through a system of simple rewards I can train an animal to repeat a specific behavior.
Boss: Nice. Keep it up, Skinner, and you’ll get tenure.
Interviewer: have you ever made, eaten or even seen a sandwich?
Dude: no
Interviewer: you’re hired welcome to Subway
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies.
Him: Don’t get your panties in a bunch.
Me: It’s called a bulk pack, Todd. That’s how Costco sells them.
[blind date]
(don’t let her know ur a dog walker)
“So what do u do?”
Well, I’m like a-
[13 dogs jump up on the table and eat her dinner]
That job interview was going so well until I realized I was fucked up on acid in the middle of a cornfield naked and talking to a scarecrow.
Spent most of my day helping customers find things at Home Depot…I don’t even work there.
Every piece of cake
Every cookie you take
Every bite of steak
I’ll be watching youDogs
[1hr before date]
Me: (to waiter) So when I order the extra spicy chicken you say ‘brave choice sir’ and then bring the Lemon Herb chicken
What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?
I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish
Police: THIS IS THE POLICE! OPEN YOUR DOOR NOW!!!!!!
Me: Not with that attitude.
HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….
Me: But…
Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.