Interviewer: have you ever made, eaten or even seen a sandwich?
Dude: no
Interviewer: you’re hired welcome to Subway
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What’s your spirit animal?
“An eagle. They’re so majestic.”
MEANWHILE
Horse: hey eagle, what’s your spirit human
Eagle: this guy Dave
today i learned that up to half of the worker ants in a colony are only pretending to work. just looking busy so they don’t get tasked with anything. i respect ants so much more
If you’re on the fence about having kids, repeat “Put your shoes on, please” 100 times in a row until you’re in a blinding rage & see if it’s right for you.
My husband has been making pancakes and eggs for breakfast every morning and my kids are becoming accustomed to a standard I am not prepared to maintain after he returns to work.
I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”
I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.
Child: I need to be dismissed from school, my stomach hurts.
Also child, after being dismissed: [orders himself DoorDash from McDonald’s at 8 PM]
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
This is a really bad idea. When do we start?
“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”
Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together & there was only one life jacket, I’d miss you and think of you often.
ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose.
DENTIST: That’s an egg beater.
No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.
[costume party]
friend: you’re lateme, dressed as a sloth: sorry
HER: What’re you most afraid of?
ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.
My 4yo held up her toy phone and announced she had “an important call to make.”
So I made sure to stay really quiet for a min because, respect.
Then I blasted the TV, begged for snacks, slammed doors & screamed “NOOOO” because, retribution.
I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
“You’ve got this,” I say to myself every time I look up something on WebMD.
I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people
I don’t lock my car doors, so if someone wants to steal my egg mcmuffin wrappers, Sonic happy hour cups and 47 cents, they’re welcome to it.
Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors
At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.
Interviewer: Your resume says that you’re good at multitasking
[me while painting nails]: Obvi
Interviewer: Please stop touching my nails
my retirement plan is recording a hit Christmas song, i just need to learn how to sing and write music
Him: You need to be more active in your community.
My Community: NOOOOO!!!!
Me: You say all the right things.
Her: I didn’t say anything.
Me: Shhh Don’t ruin this for me.
I don’t get Roomba commercials. Like who spills an entire box of cereal on the floor and is like eh leave it for the robot to clean up