What’s your spirit animal?
“An eagle. They’re so majestic.”
MEANWHILE
Horse: hey eagle, what’s your spirit human
Eagle: this guy Dave
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NEW YEAR’S LOGIC
1. The planet is passing through an arbitrary spot on its unceasing orbit around the sun.
2. Time to lay off chocolate.
7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.
I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.
You big beautiful cup of coffee.
Come here and tell me lies of how much I will tolerate my coworkers and how much I’ll get accomplished today.
My son continued to wear his earbuds shopping with me after I told him not to so he didn’t hear me say I was leaving.
Hope he finds a ride home.
“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”
Whoever has my voodoo doll, please pull it’s hand out of its pants.
Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.
Clearly I have no shame but thanks for asking. You must be new here.
Two glasses of wine and ordering online groceries is essentially clubbing and the bouncer is whether or not I know my credit card expiration date without standing up
After all these years Jude Law has finally noticed me and responded to my love letters. Something about staying 500 feet away? I’m getting it framed
[first date]
ME: I’m having a great time
HER: I’m not
ME: *peeking out from my pillow fort* I don’t even let my dog in here, Janet
I’m sorry I said the Nazis were also a party when you invited me to celebrate your kid’s first birthday.
I can’t afford a personal trainer so instead I go to the gym and lift incorrectly and wait for 3 different dudes to correct me for free.
Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can’t legally drink till I’m 84.
not interested in dating apps, not interested in talking to random people in coffee shops/bars/shops… need my soulmate to find me through intuition and echo location rn immediately
If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?
Hell hath no fury like a woman who doesn’t remember asking you to wake her up from a nap
[before sex]
Me: *taking off clothes* they call me the matador
Her: why’s that?
Me: *crawling in bed with socks on* the red flags
Nights in white satin, but it’s me falling off the bed again
bill nye is short for william new year’s eve
beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when i’m dehydrated it’s simple economics
*saves baby from burning building*
“How can I ever repay you?!”
Favstar in the bio
“Oh I don’t have Twi-”
*returns baby to burning building*
My wife’s upset at me I’m going to cheer her up and ask 9YO to play hot cross buns on the recorder
me
Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.
“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”
“Rotisserie chicken” should be a size for fanny packs.
To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.
I packed workout clothes for a vacation and my suitcase guffawed, unzipped itself and shot the clothes back out like a t-shirt cannon
My family is “sick of all the same old meals” so I’ve compiled this delicious list with all their other suggestions:
1.
2. I mean, whatever.
3.
4. No. Not that.
5.
6. I don’t really care.
oh i’d definitely choose flight over invisibility. i’d fly everywhere! to the living room, the bedroom. back to the living room. everywhere