Realtors are legally required to tell you if the house ghosts are too judgy
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70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses
Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.
No one:
Me: “The word “Militia” just sounds like Sean Connery saying the name Melissa.”
People that drive Jeeps will always make a point on how rugged their vehicle is by putting one wheel up on the sidewalk
Top Seven Cereal Brands with Sexual Innuendo:
6. Lucky Charms
5. Cream of Wheat
4. Grape Nuts
3. Trix
2. Honey Smacks
1. Nut ‘n Honey
Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant
therapy: $90/hr
saying “it eez what it eez”: $0
I had no intention of viewing your webinar until you used “and more” as a bullet point in your email and seduced me with the allure of intrigue and mystery
I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.
wtf is a larm clock?
One of the best thing you can do with your kids is to bake with them. It helps create this beautiful bond between you and your child, and if someone finds eggshells in your cookies, you can blame it on your kid.
I’d rather lose the Super Bowl than have Gatorade poured on me.
just had a really bad argument with some guy I invented in my head
Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit
Interviewer: your resume says you’re very literal
Me: my resume talks??
SHAGGY: what did the vet say you have
SCOOBY DOO: rabies
SHAGGY: zoinks i didn’t even know you could get pregnant
me: [tossing life preserver to my grandfather]
him: [on deathbed] NURSE
BREAKING: Dressed as Cat, Jared Leto Pushes Fellow Attendees Off Table at Met Gala
If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I’m depressed
My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.
If by bandwidth you’re talking about the elastic in the underwear around my waist, then yes…I have a lot of bandwidth.
In my day, milk crates were used only for their God given purpose – holding your record albums
I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.
But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.
me: would you like beans?
3: no
me, trying to instill manners: no…what?
3: no beans
me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente
run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit
PATIENT: I’ve been so stressed out lately. What can I do?
DR DOG (tail wagging like crazy): Studies show that petting dogs relieve stress
Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.
6-year-old: Can I have some Oreos?
Me: You have the flu.
6: I’m sick, not dead.