Me: ooooohhhh look at all the colorful new spring clothes!
Also me: *buys another black t-shirt*
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I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.
By the logic that declares Die Hard a holiday film, I think we should classify Titanic as a Hallmark Christmas movie.
-female lead ditches rich jerky fiancé for humble poor boy
-lots of lights
-iconic pop culture theme music
-lots of ice
-female lead’s hair is very improbable
If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.
My 5yo, asserting his independence on the last day of school by coming downstairs dressed in fleece pants on a 90 degree day. I’m sweating just looking at him.
I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.
IKEA assembly instructions should come with a glossary of Swedish swear words.
EVERYBODY WHO MAKES ACTION MOVIES: We should have all the actors talk really quietly so people turn the volume way up right before an explosion.
i say she should just show up at they olympics and run anyway… who gonna catch her?
Well, this is awkward
Google Maps says it’s a 29 minute walk, but where’s the secret calculation for the long-legged and impatient?
ME: I wish all of my enemies would randomly feel a crunch when they’re eating something definitely not crunchy
SATAN: holy shit
I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?
If dinosaurs were still alive, people would do a lot more running.
My dribbled milkshake stains bring all the dry cleaners to my yard
Me: Would you have a minute to speak about my lord and savior, nachos supreme?
Her: Sir, for the last time just tell me your order.
People who reply “LOL” but don’t retweet are like if a doctor shook a bottle of pills in your direction to treat your disease.
HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car
When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.
Psychopaths make up about 1% of the US population. Exposing them is easy, just text your friends & check who has their read receipts on.
Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.
You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion
Husband: *driving*
Me: *breathing judgmentally*
Roses are red
Duracell is gold
Took your vibrator’s batteries
for my remote control
You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday…and you’re 32.
Sure kids are great but have you tried sleep?
If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.
I don’t understand why my AirPods aren’t working right I’ve only sent them through the laundry twice.
Why do the French eat snails?
Because they don’t like fast food.
[approaches group of male coworkers talking about the superbowl]
man oh man I can’t wait to watch the
[looks at left palm]
rams & the patriots play
[looks at right palm]
football
I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.