Husband: *driving*
Me: *breathing judgmentally*
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Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.
Finished christmas shopping for my entire family.
*walks out of pharmacy*
me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?
Fitness instructors who resist the temptation to yell out YOUR OTHER LEFT are alright.
Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.
Lady at the farmers market selling us a hay bale to decorate our yard: just so you know, it’s going to get your car really messy
My 3yo: That’s ok because our car is already really messy
PHARAOH: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: should we leave them a note to explain how we did it?
PHARAOH: yes, take this down
SUBJECT: ok
PHARAOH: cat, dog, snake, bird, cat, man with the head of a cat, dog, cat, bird
Merry Christmas. The three wise men.
*in hell*
Devil: so what are you here for
Them: I invented ice breaker activities
They say people with pets live longer. Many assume it’s all the love and affection. I think it’s all the bending down to pick stuff up.
Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck
Friend: I’m so tired of remakes and reboots and sequels! Make something original!
Me: Don’t you write Transformers fan fiction?
Friend: It’s GoBots fan fiction, and shut up.
I’m so excited that the gyms are opening up on Monday. No, not to go workout, silly. To cancel my membership.
a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch
Girl: Do you have protection?
Me: Um like a sword?
There are two types of people in this world, avoid both.
Unsolved mysteries are just mysteries
Day 27 without sports:
Hesitated for an inappropriately long moment before intervening in my kid’s living room brawl.
I read through all of What To Expect When You’re Expecting and it did nothing to prepare me for the day my teenager started calling me ‘bro’
im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things:
every person on earth & their opinion of me
the crushing psychological weight of being alive
[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]
GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK
I’m less upset with Lance Armstrong lying about taking performance-enchancing drugs than I am at Oprah for lying about retiring.
My wife has the worst taste in men.
I’d like to speak to America’s manager.
If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this.
My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size
Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”
WIFE: Stop taking things the wrong way.
ME: [swallows suppository]
Singin’ in the Rain (1952) but with a Velociraptor