Friend: OMG did u see the thing on the news about the sinister clowns?
Me: *flashback to me watching the debate* yeah I think I saw that
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Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.
An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.
Who wore it best? #Oscars2015
any site can be a dating site if you use it incorrectly
I made a mistake. Then I ate that mistake and made more. I made so many mistakes that I had leftovers. Soon, a freezer full of mistakes. You’ve stopped making mistakes? Here, have some of mine. I’ve got plenty.
Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?
You travel 3500 miles to the breathtaking 15th-century mountaintop Inca citadel, Machu Picchu. The gift shop is not great.
CUTE DUDE AT THE AUTO SHOP: & thats how u fix a flat tire
ME: tysm! My dad never showed me this stuff
DUDE: aw
M: *whispers* ur my dad now
Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…*opens The Shining
I feel attacked.
I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.
I would like to see “artificial intelligence” assemble this tuna melt.
How did we not see this back then?
Me driving through Toronto
Daughter : “mom , will you do my math homework for me tonight?”
Me: “No, it wouldn’t be right.”
Daughter: “Well, just do your best.”
The microwave was invented in 1946 when an enraged toddler demanded his food be locked in a revolving prison and destroyed by lasers.
I just saw a man get hit by a car…he got hit & fell down & then got up & chased the car down the block!!!! His legs must be strong as shit
“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Is Kohl’s cash okay?
I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m into old guys — the last guy I dated had an aol email address.
Me: Do you have any wrongdog?
“Ugh fine what’s wrongdog”
Me: thank you so much for asking I’m doing terrible
c’mon!
Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly
My son and I spent an hour debating whether werewolves have opposable thumbs in case you’re wondering who the great modern philosophers are.
[pulled over by cop]
COP: evening folks. this is a random doug test. can I see some ID?
MY FRIEND DOUG IN THE BACK SEAT: [starts sweating]
[thanksgiving dinner]
mom: no politics tonight
everyone: absolutely
me: this casserole reminds me of the bolshevik revolution
Me: I don’t want to dwell on that.
My brain: OK, let’s put a pin in it and circle back later. Is 3 a.m. good for you?
A good way to tell if an artistic idea is any good is to remember the most successful video game idea of all time is “a plumber steps on turtles” so who knows
Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it
-yard sale