The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
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looking back on it, it’s even funnier how those celebrities decided it was time to sing us that “Imagine” montage after being stuck inside for like 36 hours
Just met a baby named Herbert. Weird, right? Reached his little baby hand across the bus aisle and goes, “Hi, I’m a baby. A baby Herbert.”
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.
She turned around and found out I was walking her home.
My dentist has a tremor. He’s a good dentist, but you just don’t know exactly what’s going to get fixed.
My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness
I think I might have a shower.
*checks*
Yes, I have a shower.
[hospital]
DOCTOR: you’re ok
ME: so it was just a dream
DOCTOR: no your heart did turn into a bowl of cereal but your system is accepting it
I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.
put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf
LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.
Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!
Wife: An uncontested divorce
I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry
No expert, but pretty sure the chickens need a new toner cartridge now
i hear the new batman movie is so long because there’s a scene where bruce wayne withdraws the entirety of his bank account but he asks for it all in ones and then counts it all while facing the camera
any last words?
My daughter’s coach described her attack approach as whimsical and gallop-y.
It’s an scientific fact that the smoke detector battery will only die at 0230
this is supposed to be an 18 year old
i watched my wife fall off a cliff… your whole world can change in a matter of seconds. mine almost did.
DATE: Did you know a octopus can slip through any hole his beak can fit?
ME: …haha no.
[Later]
ME: *tearing apart my almost-finished octopus jail blueprints*
The ample amount of cheese on anything is more
I withdraw my argument. I didn’t realise you had a meme to back you up.
Lady, you misunderstood. When I asked if you would have my kids I didn’t mean sex and babies. I meant take the ones I already have.
[taking my date for a walk in the woods]
HER: this sure is a dense forest
ME [trying to impress]: yeah it’s dumb as hell
Just been on a date with a dentist. It went well and she says she’d like to see me again in six months.
[1st day as a dr]
macgyver: nurse i need two bobby pins and a rubber band
nurse: ahh we dont have those
macgyver: jesus christ then a cup of goats milk and a used battery
nurse: umm how about a scalpel?
macgyver: *rubs forehead* damn thats a long shot but it might just work
If you want to feel better about your parenting, my 14-year-old asked if she could be a six-pack of beer with her friends for Halloween.
I’m tired of being the strong one. I want to be a noodle.
Even Benjamin Button would feel old by the time 2020 finally ends.