The ample amount of cheese on anything is more
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The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds
[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?
A friend wants me to be friends with her friend. I now have one less friend.
I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.
I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.
Being Man, a territorial animal, I assert dominance by sending Facebook Pokes.
Lazy ghosts really expect us to get in the car and travel to a haunted house to see them when they could easily just materialize in our homes. I get it Edith you’re more comfortable in an old Victorian manor never going to get unstuck from between realms if you don’t do the work
No one has a bigger death wish than a 10yo spying on her older sister while her sister is talking to a boy.
Daughter has prom tomorrow so I’ve been practicing my “Menacing Dad Face” all day….so far I’ve had a colleague offer me Tums.
Guys, If you mistakenly ask a woman at work if she’s pregnant and she’s not, save face and ask if she wants to be pregnant
Each time my husband yells for the Warriors an angel (me) uses his credit card.
Prank: if you’re standing at a busy intersection light beside a guy staring at his phone take 2 steps forward & see if he walks into traffic
Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake
[Bumps into old school friend]
Him: Haven’t seen you for years!
Me: I know!
Him: Good to see you man
Me: You too!
Him: We should meet up
Me: Definitely
Him: We won’t though
Me: No way
Him: I’ll never see you again
Me: I wanna run away
Him: See you around
Me: Bye forever!
oh my gosh!!
I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
[Considering whether a recipe is easy enough to attempt]
Recipe: First, finely chop—
Me: I’m out.
Girl, are you an umbrella? Because you’re never with me when I need you & I’ve forgotten you at a restaurant 4 or 5 times.
She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.
Back in my day there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs, that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!
[Jeopardy]
Disease for $500 Alex
“Dysentery, Typhoid, Bubonic Plague, Dengue Fever”
What’s better than catching a man cold?
“Correct!”
Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder
The best thing about money is that if you give it to the right person they’ll hand you donuts.
A hawk swooped low to fly alongside my car, and for a moment I felt at one with the universe. We both were going somewhere, the hawk and I. Also, each of us was eating a mouse
Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.
I can’t grow flowers for shit but my old neglected potatoes in a grocery bag in the basement just grew legs and marched up here