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wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭
I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!
genie: “thats definitely your last wish?”
me: [smiles at my wife in wheelchair] “yes”
genie: “ok”
our dog: “how can i talk all of a sudden?”
i’ll never forget what my Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket
“Grandson…
how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”
Just got my test results back and my cholesterol level is a cheese bratwurst.
I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s… for woke
T-Rex: I got stabbed by this huge Triceratops!
Doctor: How big were its horns?
T-Rex: *struggling to widen his arms*
Doctor: Just a baby then. You’ll be fine.
*first and last day as a therapist *
patient: I have anxiety that there’s an intruder in my room
me: you’re not alone
patient: aaaahhhhhhh
[at séance]
Me: If you truly are a ghost why don’t you move this object
Ghost: If you truly are a human why don’t you get your shit together
ME *traps wasp under a cup*
MAGICIAN GHOST WHO HAUNTS ME: *appears & sets down 2 more cups*
ME: no
MAGICIAN GHOST: *starts to shuffle them*
Why is there so much day left at the end of my patience
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
I’m obsessed with you. Not like peak through your window obsesseHEY I LIKE THAT DRESS WEAR THAT ONE
I’ve joined a 12 step program.
Six to the fridge. Six back to the couch.
Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking
pelicons
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
Stephen King ruined corn children for me
One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.
god I hope there’s no such thing as reincarnation I’m way too tired to do this again
When I was a kid I was afraid to drink kool-aid because I didn’t want a giant hole in my wall that I had to explain to my mother, like, could you imagine?
Spent the day helping out on my son’s Kindergarten field trip.
Teachers should make a minimum of $6 million per year.
What even happened today?
wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.
Friends: Come have a drink with us!
Me: Nah, I’m not doing that anymore.
Friends: C’mon, just one!
Me: Okay, maybe just one…
[ 11 drinks later ]
Me:
‘Was that really necessary?’
~slapped newborns
The thought that I’m the human’s pet #BlowsMyMind
“Good morning, this is your pilot speaking”
…
“AND THIS IS YOUR PILOT SHOUTING”
…
“and this is your pilot doing some sick beatboxing”
I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.