I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!
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the metric system will never catch on here because too many Americans are into feet
Be extra nice to retail workers this week. It’s not their fault you waited until the last minute to shop for a holiday that has fallen on the same day every year since you were born
{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit
I’m not country but I did just stop my car on the side of the road so I could put three goats in the backseat to take home and cut my grass.
TODAY
They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars
doctor: no heavy exercise for a month
me: I should get a bell to put by my bed so everyone will know if I need something
dr: normal activity should be fine
me: I should get a flatscreen for the ceiling
dr: uh
me: oooh I should hire someone to turn my pillows to the cool side
Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.
“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers
My teen son complained that the house was too cold. I suggested that cleaning his room would warm him up. All of a sudden, he’s not cold.
[First day at Amazon]
me: *throws a single toothbrush into a tv-sized box*
manager: wow this guy’s a natural lol
[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”
Chess is my favourite game but I don’t play favourites
I’m sorry for the destruction I caused when my # was called at the hot dog window
I still to this day think about that tweet where a girl said she walked into her room holding her phone in one hand and a cup of tea in the other and threw the wrong one onto her bed
I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato
19 is making brownies.
Puts brownies in the oven and goes up to his bedroom.Now I have to set the house on fire to teach him a lesson.
[The Lost World: Jurassic Park]
Ian Malcolm: Where you’re going is the only place on Earth where the geese chase you
Me: This guy doesn’t know shit about geese.
Hubs, “What are we doing tonight?”
Me, “As long as I’m with you I’m happy.”~Watches him watch ESPN on his phone~
Me, “I want a divorce.”
I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.
My kids found their Kit Kats then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go in to my closet?
I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.
Priest: I want to teach you about a higher power
Kid: my dad?
Priest: haha no, even more powerful
Kid *nodding* mom
Hamburgler: Success! Look at this amazing haul of these McDonald’s burgers!
Hamburgler’s Mum: *sobbing* Your brother is an architect.
My ex-wife and I broke up over religious differences. I was agnostic and she was Satan.
i’m sure it’s fine
Signatures are so unserious, just “pinky promise” for adults… write your name in a silly little way on this very important piece of paper so we that we can send you to jail if you do anything wrong
Why do I hear my husband encouraging our youngest to be a goalie? Is my anxiety not quite crippling enough for him?
I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks