I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato
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Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.
i don’t want to rock and roll all night. i want to sleep all night without having to get up and pee 39 times
Give a man a fish & he’ll be all “WTF are you giving me a fish for? That’s weird” Teach a man to fish & he’ll be all “Again with the fish?”
“Whatever we do, let’s make sure it takes forever” – soccer players
I had two naps today but every time I wake up I’m still at work.
Emergency Vet: your cat seems fine
Me: she thinks I don’t feed her enough
Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?
Sawing a hole under the bottom of a table to steal a cooked ham is way harder than it looks like in cartoons.
I’m so excited that the gyms are opening up on Monday. No, not to go workout, silly. To cancel my membership.
You Matter.
Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared.
Then you Energy.
When people ask, “Don’t I know you from somewhere?”, I reply “Yes, we were best friends as children until you murdered my puppy.”
No toilet paper. My training kicks in. I barrel roll under the stall & onto the lap of the person in the next stall. I did not plan for this
One of my firmly-held beliefs is that every one of us has driven off with something on our roof that wasn’t supposed to be there, and another is that we’ve all seen a car in traffic with coffee, a briefcase, or a purse on the roof and wondered what kind of idiot does that.
Had the old “waterboarding your coworkers for making your coffee get cold is not punishment fitting the crime” talk with HR today.
Again.
I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.
Me: We do *not* spit on our classmates!
5YO: Well, who DO we spit on, then?
I miss the funny stuff my kids said when they were little.
Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.
Me: So I don’t get to pet animals until my sadness is cured?
Nail Technician: No ma’am. A “pedicure” is a treatment for your toenails and feet.
M:
NT:
M:
NT: Please don’t cry.
WEAR CLOTHES OTHERS DARE NOT.
I should start a wine company and name the bottles things like “don’t be sad” “he’s not worth it” “you deserve better”!
Millennial: what’s crackalackin’?
Me: my knees, my shoulder, my neck, and my back
Starbucks Manager: I wish I could contact my dead grandma somehow
Me: I can put you in touch with a medium
Starbucks Manager: A what
*At the checkout
Cashier: How many croissants?
M: Four
*Cashier eyes up the crumbs on my face.
M: Um six
Me: Do you have any three tiered wedding cakes?
Baker: But of course! When do you need it by?
M: No, I’ll just eat it here.
When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”
Psychologist: [holds up inkblot] and this one?
Me: a black swirling pit of despair
Psychologist: nope, it’s a duck wearing a funny hat
Weddings are dumb. Except yours. Yours was a great way to spend money.
I called my 2yo handsome today and he proceeded to stare at his hands for the next 5 minutes.
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not taking myself!!
interviewer: why do you want this job?
me: i’m a job guy. love jobs