Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem 😠
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Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?
It’s two tired.
definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life
[third date]
Her: please quit calling me Jenny
Me: oh my apologies Jennifer
Her: my name is Amanda
angel: when was he resurrected
god: Sunday?
angel: gonna need you to be more specific if we’re making an annual thing
god: it was like early-mid April
angel: ok-
god: could’ve been March tho
angel:
god: like 40 days after he did the fasting shit
angel: bruh
She died doing what she loved. Taking six different orders for eggs from her kids.
[hs reunion]
JANE: i’m an engineer
TOM: i’m a real estate developer
AMY: i’m a lawyer
*everyone looks at me*
ME: *panics* i’m a hospital
[private investigator hands me a folder] well she’s not cheating on you
[looking though numerous photos of my wife refrigerating bread] oh god no
The average human walks 900 miles per year and drinks 22 gallons of coffee.
This means that the average human gets 41 miles per gallon.
Doesn’t everyone lie on a first date and say they love the outdoors just like they lie in an interview and say they’re proficient at Excel?
Right now, Girl Scout moms are hungrily eyeing the cases of cookies filling their living rooms and wondering if their bank accounts can take the hit
Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.
H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.
Me: Good idea.
[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]
My daughter just asked for nunchucks for her 12th birthday. Have to say, I’m 50% proud, 30% amused and 100% terrified.
I’m the friend that shows up with a shovel and alibi.
When a man tells me he’s looking for a ‘real woman’ I scurry away because I’m actually three owls in a raincoat AND HE MUSTN’T FIND OUT.
I know we are at war here, but, who didn’t pick up after their dog?
[etched on my tombstone]
THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW
I say I want a gf but I don’t even know what I’d do with one. Do you just kiss her and leave her alone in a corner? How often does it eat?
“My fellow Americans-”
Barack
“we are working tirelessly-”
Sir
“to make sure-”
Barack. You’re still wearing ur xbox headset
When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?
What this four-way stop needs is some kind of signal that would let people know when it’s their turn to go
“You saw nothing.”
-me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash
[family hears me pull in driveway]
wife: please don’t
wrestling announcer: sorry ma’am he already paid me. NOW ENTERING THE HOUSE FROM WORK
the song firestarter, but it’s about my cooking skills
them: your tweet is missing a word
me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?
Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also:
How have I got to this age and I still haven’t figured out what you’re supposed to do with your arms when you’re trying to get to sleep.
Bagged lunch circa 1984
-sack of flour
-room temperature buttermilk
– note from mom saying “figure it out”
i don’t like little dogs. i draw the line at ever having to say “we’ll go outside later, Brutus. there’s an owl out there.”