The lights begin to flicker
The hair stands up on your neck
A chill comes over the roomMe to the ghost: STOP TOUCHING THE THERMOSTAT
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Me: I forbid you to go!
Her: What was that?
Me: You heard me! I said, “I’d really appreciate it if you’d reconsider!”
*brings empty Cheetos bag to the pharmacy for a refill*
[apocalypse]
Day 5: sickness is spreading rapidly
Day 34: the streets are filled w death. There’s no joy left in the world
Day 69: LOL 69
My dryer is celebrating lint.
Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.
Girl likes ‘boys with accents <333’ on Facebook. I charge at her. “HELLOUGH!! I AM HELMUT, FROM RUSSIA. I WORK AS STRANGLER AT MEAT FACTORY”
I get there is a rental crisis and all but…nope.
Daughter: dada I’m scared of the dark.
Me: oh honey the dark’s more scared of you than you are of it.
Daughter:
Me: [turns off light] goodnight.
The Dark: oh shit oh shit where’d that creepy little girl go?
*drinks Grey Goose
*adds bird fanatic to the resume
New Yorkers were told they couldn’t bring their dog on the subway unless they fit inside a bag. It turns out that is quite a big loophole when you think about it
Me: Yeah sorry, I never have my phone volume on, I just can’t deal with people
Boss: I don’t think you understand the concept of a “work phone”
*walks up to salad bar and fills entire plate with bacon bits and chocolate pudding*
[surgeon in the recovery room] in addition to the hernia we also found $20 in change
[me who’s always been a good tipper] you’re welcome
Pikachu found the lost joint
Thieves have removed motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently searching for Leeds.
Is it ‘My wife and I’ or ‘Me and my wife’? Anyway, we just robbed a liquor store
#WhenIWas12IThought very little 🙌
Drummer’s pissed because the guys in the band say drums aren’t a real instrument. He says, “I’ll show them–give me the red cornet and the accordion.”
Instrument store guy says, “Well you can have the fire extinguisher, but the radiator has to stay.”
What’s a random act of kindness you’ve done for a stranger recently? I helped a bunch of teens buy alcohol and cigarettes the other day
Me: ‘Tell me another scary story.’
Pharmacist: ‘Sir, for the last time, they aren’t stories.’
I hate it when they leave before I can make it awkward.
Cashier at grocery store, “HI THERE! ARE WE HAVING A GOOD MORNING?”
Me, “Please…I have a family.”
Reset Password
‘CargoAndBoxer’
Your password is two shorts
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones
“I am doing well.” – Russian man having sex with a well
Daughter: we’re both wearing vests again!
Me: that makes us vest friends!
Daughter: vest friends forever!
Me:
Daughter:
Me: HAHAHAHA!
Daughter: HAHAHAHA!
Wife: did you buy those just so you can make that joke with her?
Me: i’m invested in our relationship : )
Interviewer: You list excellent negotiator on your resume. Could you provide an example?
Me: *slow winks, slides $5 across table* I’m hired
Nobody:
Neighbors: THEYRE ASLEEP LETS SET OFF ALL THE FIREWORKS
Sex but instead of moaning she yells YAAAAHAHAHOOOEEYYY like Goofy does evey time he falls