Girl likes ‘boys with accents <333’ on Facebook. I charge at her. “HELLOUGH!! I AM HELMUT, FROM RUSSIA. I WORK AS STRANGLER AT MEAT FACTORY”
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Woman in grocery line: oh are you buying rice and beans for Coronavirus?
Me: No, I’m buying rice and beans because I’m Mexican.
In all seriousness I’ve had babies in my audience before and it is genuinely a nightmare. They don’t get any of your school material and they can’t give you a standing ovation. Pathetic.
me as a new nurse trying to help out in a code
Couldn’t afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.
Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…
Remembering the year my son sent me a Mother’s Day card saying ‘you’re like a mother to me.’
Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”
My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.
I falcon love using swear birds
Them: but, if you’re both men, who’s “the lady” in the relationship?
Me: Mariah Carey.
me: how was school?
son: i got in trouble today
me: what for?
son: kung fu fighting
me: wow I’m so disappointed
son: but everybody was doing it
If you are hospitalized for social anxiety you don’t go to the psych ward. You go to the awk ward.
They say dress for the job you want not the job you have so I’m wearing no pants. Boss seems angry tho. She must know I’m looking elsewhere.
I once dated a girl to get closer to her parents’ record collection.
My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.
I can count the number of times I’ve made my own fireworks on one hand. In fact, I have to.
Fred: Take his mask off, let’s see who he really is.
Velma: No Fred, we are in the middle of a pandemic.
Her: Did you turn the iron off before you left? Over.
Me: *in a ship streaking through the endless vacuum of space* …Dammit. Over.
I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.
*Licking my plate clean
Girlfriend)You still have to wash that
Me)This house is a prison
*calls boss*
Me: I can’t come to work.
Boss: Why not?
Me: Gotham city needs me.
Boss: …You’re not Batman.
Me: Oh, yes, yes, exaaaactly.
[first date]
“What’s wrong?”
I don’t like the ambulance in this place
[sniggering] “You mean ambience”
[next table] NEE NAW NEE NAW WOOOOOO
[first date]
him: I’m sorry about the sushi but your bio said “real fish person”
me, a mermaid: can we just go
My version of dry January is just trying to see if I can get through the month without any poopcidents. So far it’s been an epic fail.
[Watching the news]
This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.
Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.
mugger: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
me: My best friend will protect me
mugger: Haha, right-
[my dog appears spinning dual nunchucks]
Middle schoolers are terrifying because they haven’t even discovered empathy yet. just a bunch of psychopaths struggling to learn long division