Them: but, if you’re both men, who’s “the lady” in the relationship?
Me: Mariah Carey.
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“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”
[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
…burrowed time
Gravediggers: this is why
[over megaphone]
“Police! We have you astounded!”
“Jim, it’s ‘surrounded’.”
“No, I know but look at his face.”
I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.
If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene
Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.
Friend has been complaining about finding an avocado on his lawn every day for weeks now. Why would someone keep throwing avocados in his yard? Who would do that? You guys he just realized he has an avocado tree
“If you want something badly enough you’ll never give up.”
-psychopaths
Mafia Boss: You wearin’ a wire?
Me: “Wire” you asking me that? lol get it[the rest of this tweet takes place on the bottom of a river]
Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.
At the 2015 Edinburgh Fringe a man came up to me after my show one day to say “I really don’t think much of your comedy, please stick to singing” and I’ve basically continued in comedy ever since just to annoy him.
I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work
Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
Pokémon Go
Doctor: “To stop heartburn, avoid spicy and doughy”
Me: “But doctor. I *am* spicy and doughy!”
On my way into the gym, I quietly drop my empty Reese’s Pieces box into the trash can. My commitment to healthy living remains steadfast.
museums: why doesn’t anyone go to museums anymore
also museums: thanks for the $22. here are 87 bolted down ipads. tap on them
Doctor [looking over my test results]: I don’t know how to say this…
Me: Don’t be embarrassed. Just sound it out using the letters and try your best
gimme fuel
gimme fire
gimme reba mcentire
sorry for pooping with the door open but I couldn’t hear the barista
I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.
*stands up in the middle of a quiet library*
FAKE NOODLES ARE CALLED IM-PASTAS
sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”
boss:
me:
boss:
me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]
[Me as 911 Operator]
*phone rings*
I wait for it to stop ringing and text back “what’s up”
The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn’t the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they’re hatching a dastardly plan.
Hello. I am Public Restroom. Would you like some toilet paper that melts in the palm of your hand? Here, have some empty soap, my child.
Fool me once, I buy a gun. Fool me twice, I pull the trigger.
pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end
Little kids only want to be independent when you’re running late.
Netflix and scream at our children?!