Friend has been complaining about finding an avocado on his lawn every day for weeks now. Why would someone keep throwing avocados in his yard? Who would do that? You guys he just realized he has an avocado tree
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Remember the days we could get out of bed without looking like a newborn pony trying to walk?
Good times.
There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
I watched her squeeze into the booth, finish 3 Egg McMuffins, & stand-up.
“My knees are killing me, it must be the cold weather,” she said.
Never invite a renegade cop from a 90s action movie over for board game night. They play by their own rules!
Current adult status: Just got into a heated debate about whether or not Merida from Brave is a Disney princess. I won. She is not.
Creams that smell like fruit play with your brain.
Tempted to eat my own leg.
Smells like mango, but would probably taste like rare steak.
[watching Queer Eye]
tan france on TV: *holding up a shirt* this is ghaaastly. this is the oogliest shirt i have evah seen.
me at home: *looks down* *is wearing the exact same shirt*
I can’t even tell you how much I would not enjoy this
[Casio headquarters, 1975]
CEO: We need to make our calculators more versatile. Give me your ideas.
First executive: Maybe they could also be phones?
Second executive, a smoker who often oversleeps: I have a better idea.
Sing me a song you’re the piano man / clean out my pool you’re the gardener /now light up my room you’re a ceiling fan
Two companies that hate each other? Probably KIA and …Nokia
Me: I need to get my shit together
My shit: not today, girl, not today
Airbnbs today: wash the towels, iron the sheets, mop the floors, defrost the freezer, mow the lawn, clean the gutters, paint the trim, dust the floorboards, check on my mother-in-law, … And don’t forget to leave us a five star review.
[yelling over club noise] I said I want to tell you about my cult
[my first day as an art teacher]
“before u start drawing let your eyes linger over the subject”
(it’s a dead bullfrog dressed as a cowboy)
Naming a dog after alcohol is cute until they run away and you scream their name until your neighbor brings you a bottle to shut you up.
This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.
somebody come look at this
Every time my neighbor puts his kayak on top of his car, I strap a bunch of pool noodles on top of mine. Two can play this game.
Ordered new coats for my kids and for convenience I had them shipped directly to their school’s lost and found section
My roomba on charge after cleaning up after 2 kids and 2 dogs.
If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.
I have a strange power dynamic with the cat as I can’t tell if I’ve been evicted or deposed. Either way, the centre of the bed is no longer mine.
Apparently new moms are supposed to “sleep when the baby sleeps,” but I have yet to find anyone who has mastered the art of sleeping while driving or pushing a stroller.
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
Me, a cop: you’re gonna have to do a lie detector test
Detainee: I mean ok
Me: first question, do you like my outfit be honest
Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.
Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.
my toddler should guest star on American Idol because his critiques of my singing would make Simon Cowell blush
Me: I want a serious long term relationship
Literally anyone: Hey I’m interested in you!
Me: *shivers* better hide in bed for 6 months.