[watching Queer Eye]
tan france on TV: *holding up a shirt* this is ghaaastly. this is the oogliest shirt i have evah seen.
me at home: *looks down* *is wearing the exact same shirt*
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nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: i didn’t need it, there was a toilet
Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.
I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.
Parenthood is so crazy. We’re really out here getting bullied by the people we made.
*FINALLY gets truck washed*
*immediately judges people’s dirty vehicles*
My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has ” P ” no. of lives.
Me: I could barely fit our trash into that blue bin
Wife: that’s our neighbor’s new Smart Car
My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.
*first day as getaway driver
“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”
Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.
Have you ever cropped a picture as you texted it; the crop didn’t stick and now your wife is asking who that woman is?
Dress for the job you want others to think you have.
It’ll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.
HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….
Me: But…
Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.
I really want to be a girl who wears black lipstick, but when I try to wear it, I just look like I’ve consumed a lot of oreos, which is not necessarily untrue, but also not the look I’m going for.
I’m putting on weight for a movie
*eats popcorn in cinema
NEVER LET THE PUBLIC NAME STUFF.
Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.
Marriage has an interesting way of turning the word ‘whatever’ into a flamethrower.
Say what you will, but at least both of my AirPods still work.
Probably.
If I can just remember where the hell…
14yo: My voice keeps randomly changing
DOCTOR: That’s normal at your age
14yo: [Batman voice] Thank you doctor
DOCTOR: That’s not normal
*all the Avengers line up to face Thanos*
THANOS: who’s the purple guy
IRON MAN: that’s Hawkeye
THANOS: oh
THOR: he shoots arrows
THANOS: like magical ones?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *pauses* just regular ones
THANOS: I see
HAWKEYE: you guys know I can hear you right
Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”
[creating the Octopus]
Angel: How about a spider in a wetsuit?
God: Weird but I like it. Make it edible.
[taking my final breaths after a freak accident]
Tell my family I totes love them
*gasping for air*
but like, roll your eyes real hard
IM ALMOST POSITIVE THATS JUST A COOKIE
Providing directions like “when the wind blows northeasterly, you’ll come to a rickety old white mansion with an old crone in a rocking chair on the porch—turn to the exact angle her nose points, then continue until a frog hits you in the face. I’ll be the one throwing the frog.”
Pregnancy is so weird. It’s, like, “Who’s that in my belly? It’s Brad. He’s going to drive a used Buick one day.”
A married couple with no kids just asked my wife and I to go out for drinks at 9:30 tonight.
They did it with a straight face too.