[watching Queer Eye]
tan france on TV: *holding up a shirt* this is ghaaastly. this is the oogliest shirt i have evah seen.
me at home: *looks down* *is wearing the exact same shirt*![]()
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A life lesson we could all learn from my doggie:
Do NOT pee too close to the cactus.
Kids’ clothes really need clearer labels stating when they are made of “scratchy stuff” or the printed size is “not true” or they are “too purple.”
my mom when anyone would walk on the carpet she just vacuumed
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“No man is an island.”
– someone with a basic grasp of land forms and human biology
6 year old: Hey mommy, did you know you can go to jail for making copies??
Me: copies of what?
6 year old: money
– kidsplaining counterfeiting
Me: *leads my girlfriend to the lawn where I get down on one knee*
Her: OMG
Me: *feeling the grass* You’re cutting this way too short
My 4yo said “I’m closing my eyes so I can see better” and I think she has a future in politics
The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.
you want me to sit in the back seat? the thing that killed JFK?
[Our sex tape gets leaked]
Wife: Now do you believe me that you snore?
[drops capsule in woman’s drink] Maybe when that’s finished, we can get out of here? [green sponge dinosaur grows out of glass] Ready to go?
Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?
Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.
I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college
ufo crew: why are we hovering?
ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs
ufo crew: why not land?
ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af
If they shoot down another flying object I’m going to have to start hoarding toilet paper again
pandemic day 1: i hope we all survive this deadly pandemic
pandemic day 664: me and my friends have beef with Elmo now
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, is a crock of shit. If you get pregnant, pick up an STD, or contract covid, that shit will follow you everywhere.
says those 3 little words that get any woman hot and bothered: “the ac’s broken”
Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I’m 99% positive I know those clowns.
Journalists stuck in 1970’s Belfast absolutely hating it
*15th century*
Shaggy: ‘Twas not I
Look at this
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It turns out that when you’re asked which kid is your favorite, you’re expected to pick from your own. I know that now.
Me, wet, shrunken, laying in front of the interrupted washing machine, breathlessly clutching a voodoo doll: FOUND IT
Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.
“I’d like to get a trim.”
“There’s a bit of a wait.”
“No problem.”
“Name, please?”
“It’s-“
“Just kidding. Have a seat, Tom.”![]()
In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.