Kids’ clothes really need clearer labels stating when they are made of “scratchy stuff” or the printed size is “not true” or they are “too purple.”
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The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
Judge: Your word is “Behemoth”
Contestant: Can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: *knocking judge out of the way* Half nocturnal, flying insect. Half human. Be he moth or be he man?!
Other judge: Security
Me: THE WORLD DESERVES TO SEE MY FILM!!
[alligator store]
Clerk: $1500. Thanks
Me: not gonna say bye to him?
Clerk: uh
Me: say it
Clerk: goodbye
Me: say “see you later alligator”
[being chased by killer]
ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*
is frankincense just very honest incense?
I know a bad idea when I see one.
Headed to the local Memorial Day parade so the boys can get a bunch of candy I’ll be throwing away in 6 months.
What if we’re all misreading this photo and the lobsterwoman is so powerful that she’s actually summoning a lobster out of the ocean into the boat.
Haha, jokes on you wordle, I was struggling to find words long before it was cool
I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say
PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news
CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor
When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!
Hey! This isn’t my car!
The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
ME: you really put the cute in executione-
WARDEN: alright hit the switch
Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…
My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”
You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?
We were stuck in traffic once when I was a kid and I had to pee so badly that I cried and my mom gave me a coffee cup to pee in and I think about that day every time I pee in a coffee cup.
Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.
If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up
Tammy is short for Tamuel
Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.
co-worker: kinda weird how batman takes a kid out at night to punch felons
bruce wayne: [across the room] i dunno kinda sounds like you guys are just making it weird
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
Welcome to your 40’s. Right after you’re done peeing, you feel like you need to pee.
disney ceo: live action little mermaid
animator: yep
ceo: it’s in the ocean
animator: got it
ceo: coral reefs
animator: understood
ceo: lots of fish
animator: [nose suddenly bleeding] i don’t- what is.… finsh?
Honestly, the food pyramid seems pretty well balanced no matter what food goes on top.
If I were a gunslinger I’d bedazzle my holster. The other killers wouldn’t take me seriously, maybe think I’m just packing a glue gun. Big mistake.