Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.
It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.
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I got my followers the old fashioned way – with tranquilizer darts.
I never pay for drinks I just insult women at bars & when they throw drinks in my face I open my mouth haha thanks for the free booze ladies
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?
Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.
“You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this” -Guy who invented shovels
“do you live under a rock?” you ask. i pick up a very big rock and you watch, astounded, as i descend into my elaborate tunnel system that stretches for miles
HER: so what do you do?
ME: i’m a mathemagician
HER: you mean a mathematician?
ME: [divides by zero] no
HER: i could really use a shoulder to cry on right now
ME [a mortician]: *looks at clipboard* ok what type are you looking for?
Customer: can you help me?
Me: whoa hey look lady, I just work here okay?
I love when people apologize for ‘not tweeting much lately’ as if veiled mourners were lighting candles for their immediate return
What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.
And off to hell I go.
“[I] broke up with him because I was sick of justifying his trench coat to my friends” – Overheard on the bus
I keep finding chocolate wrappers on the ground and I’m so disappointed in my daughter. I thought I raised her better to hide the evidence.
Cop: you’re going to prison for forgery
Me *slides him a 37 dollar bill* what about now
You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.
BRAKING NEWS!!
The stages of giving my dog a new stuffy:
1) oh my god for me?!
2) this is the best day ever
3) this house is full of thieves trust no one
Today my toddler whipped out the word “narc” so maybe it’s time to revisit the parental controls on our YouTube account
Saving up ketchup packets in the fridge so I can one day open my own restaurant
I don’t trust any company that has a commercial with happy employees in it.
ocean: *waves*
me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*
Coworker: What book you reading there?
Me: ‘How To Kidnap A Coworker’
CW:…
Me: Not you, Karen. A pretty one.
When, in the future, someone says “remember when we did that thing and had the most amazing time?” and you struggle to remember what year it happened…
One thing you can be sure of is that it didn’t happen in 2020
Momma, I hid my milk!
-A Parenting Horror Story
My cat likes to eat treats off the windowsill, and my dog likes to sit below it and gobble up any treats that he drops.
Trickle down treatonomics.
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.
Betrayed.
every house is a dream house when you can’t afford one