gimme fuel
gimme fire
gimme reba mcentire
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[accidentally calls teacher “mom”]
MY BRAIN: shit, play it cool. say something.
ME: what’s for dinner tonight
BRAIN: what
I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.
Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.
I started calling all three of my children by their last name. You’d think that would increase my chances of one of them acknowledging me, but you’d be wrong.
My favorite female superhero
The only way I’m coming to your wedding is if YOU get ME a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.
Me: I need to finish the semester strong
Friend: hey
Me: u right, I should skip class tomorrow
Optimism? Sure, it’s worth a try. I don’t see how acting like an eye doctor is gonna help, but whatever.
When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like “You’re Doing A Great Job”
Pay no attention to the man behind the crouton!
Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan
Friend: Are you on social media?
Me, panicked: What’s a Twitter? Never heard of it. Nice foot clothes you’re wearing today.
If your husband didn’t just take down an old shower curtain, wear it as a cape, then run around yelling “I am Captain Mildew!” then you are not me.
My siblings and I used to fight over food, but we grew up. Then my child would wake from a dead sleep if I opened a candy bar and she also grew up.
Today I’m eating crackers and there is the damn dog staring at me.
Tobacco causes Cancer
Alcohol causes Dancer
My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.
~Superglue, probably..
Couples therapist: So what brought you here today?
Me: An uber haha
Wife: omg this is what I’m talking about!
Couples Therapist: Yes
Wife: He’s hilarious but useless in bed
“What? Only 2% Milk? Then what’s the other 98%!?”
[bull walking confidently out of the factory]
Oh you don’t wanna know
I’m leaving half to the dog for eating what I make & half to the Roomba for cleaning up when I tell it to. Forget the kids.
I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.
God: you’re man’s best friend
Dog: OMG! Love it!
God: yup
Dog: dynamic duo, partners in crime!
God: well..
Dog: two of a kind, 50/50! we make decisions together!
God: you live in a kennel in the yard
Dog: what
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.#PoetryDay
I don’t want to give away my exact locale but I’ll just say I can see the moon from my kitchen. Please don’t abuse this info.
Wife: The kids opened the “private” drawer in my nightstand.
Me: THE drawer?
Wife: Yeah.
Great. There go our Oreos.
Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on
Life would be so much easier if my cat drove.
Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.
6 yo student: It’s hot. Why didn’t you wear shorts today?
Me: Teachers can’t wear shorts to work.
6: Is it because you’d show all your mosquito bites?