SCIENTIST: dont be stressed! some rocks becom diamonds under extreme pressure
ME: wat about the other rocks
SCIENTIST: oh they turn to dust
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I’m tempted to start throwing glitter at people who refuse to wear masks. So sorry it got in your mouth and up your nose, I bet a mask would have prevented that.
My son asked Alexa to play The Imperial March, and it synced with my 3yo storming away after her tantrum. It was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.
He caught me making googly eyes at my phone. I could’ve avoided a fight by showing him it was just puppy gifs but I was bored.
Turns out that ending meetings with “have the day you deserve” has made me some enemies at work.
When Fred Willard got arrested for lewd behavior in an adult movie theater I was shocked. Where did he find an adult movie theater?
“Do you know what the fear of belly buttons is called?”
“Omphalophobia.”
“Why do you know that?!?”
“I studied at the Navel Academy.”
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.
I don’t get upset when autocorrect screws me because it’s the most action I’ve seen in years.
Me: *Being strip searched*
Cop: The dancing really is not necessary
TIME TRAVELLER: No
WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?
So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.
You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.
“Who puts ugly pictures of someone on a missing poster? I’ll tell you who. My MOM. That’s who.”
~ The Best Testimony I’ve Ever Heard in Person
doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test
me: did i pass? haha
doctor: no but you will very soon
Rights to name a newly discovered dinosaur will soon go up for auction. I can’t be the only one concerned about this poor thing that’s stayed hidden for millions of years getting named after a rapper.
Me: I really like her. What should I do?
Friend: Give her the time of day.
[Later]
Her: Hey.
Me: It’s 2 PM.
I don’t know if I’m mad because my husband got me the next size up pants or because they fit perfectly.
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
My husband told me yesterday that his co-worker said I’m gorgeous and considering that I dreamt last night that James Hetfield asked me out, there’s a chance it went to my head.
date: what do you do?
me: i’m a filmmaker.
date: oh what’s that like?
me: [shrugs] i inhale a lot of plastic fumes.
oh you love me? name every curb i’ve ever hit while driving
Him: Why are you cuddling with the thermometer?
Her: Because he tells the truth, never disappoints me, and doesn’t judge my family, Cameron.
Him: This is getting ridiculous. I’m throwing that thing away.
Her: Don’t you dare touch, Freddie Mercury!
bigfoot
the abominable snowman
chupacabras
the loch ness monster
a unicorn
mermaids
restful sleep
dragons
a super walmart
werewolves
happiness
cyclops
a 2,000 calorie diet
santa claus
These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.
I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?
My neighbor just walked by carrying some pots for planting & I said “Looks like you won the pottery lottery!” Now everyone is mad at me.
Wife: I want you to rake the yard today.
Me: Consider it done.[later]
Wife: I thought you were going to rake?
Me: I thought you were going to consider it done?
Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”
My timeline is flooded with ads for push up bras. I know I’m out of shape but that’s just mean, Twitter.