I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.
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Being in my twenties in the seventies was a lot better than being in my seventies in the twenties.
My 3yo isn’t very original when it comes to naming his stuffed animals… Kitty, Brown Bear, Bunny, etc. So why should I be surprised he named the turtle “Turdy?”
Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.
I deep cleaned the carpet so now I guess we’ll live outside.
Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.
Him: What time are you picking up the kids?
Me: I’ll leave as soon as I rinse the blood off my car.
Him: What?
Me: What? *click*
Me: *nods in agreement
Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about
I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top
[post sex interview]
reporter: what went wrong out there
me: well, i shouldn’t have yelled “holy moly” when i came
death: it’s your time
me: in my dying era
death: what
me: going ghost mode
death: stop
(before sex)
*sings national anthem
Had a trial where I awkwardly held my briefcase the entire time then finally put it down at the end.
Judge, “Don’t.”
Me, “I rest my case.”
The year is 2035.
The only movies are superhero reboots.
Anyone caught looking up from their phone is fined $100.
11 hours into my 13 hour fast and the smell of bacon fills every inch of the house
I’m going for a walk …. a very long walk!
“How’d ya get that bruise on your cheek?”
*remembers dropping her phone on her face in bed*
Me: Street Fight
Airbnb owner: Before you check out can you start the dishwasher, put on a load of laundry, do my taxes, and renovate the bathroom?
Me:
Anakin: Want to go out?
Padmé: Ew. You’re 9.
Anakin:
Padmé: Talk to me in a decade when the age gap between us is exactly the same.
I just love it when my boyfriend comes to visit and brings me presents. He always says stuff like “stop winking and sign for this package”
*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
I made all my money in the 80s selling Rubik’s Hammers. They were for b****-a** Cubes that thought they were smarter than you.
I overheard two female coworkers say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
Probably my favorite thing to do for fun is be 25 years younger
I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs
[breakfast table]
Me: Who killed the entire box of Lucky Charms?
8: Not me
9: Not me
CEREAL KILLER: Not me either
Therapist: don’t take things personally
Me: [literally a conscious being that experiences life from a first-person perspective] ok I’ll try
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
if I’m ever feeling lonely and I need someone to talk to me, I just announce to my spouse or kids that I’m about to take a nap
[Sitting in your closet]
I’m completely over you.
If you’ve got one of those video doorbells, don’t be surprised if I do a tight seven-minute set on your porch.
brain: BACON!
mouth: BACON!
stomach: BACON!
arteries: are… are the walls closing in? feeling a little claustrophobic here, guys