I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.
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What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?
nobody tell me how the eclipse goes today I’ll be watching it on delay
Husband: Should we hit the gym today?
Me: *drawing pumpkin eyes with a Sharpie on my stomach* What?
my signature move is called “the Mouse,” where I run around the dance floor wearing nothing but a tampon
I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary
If you factor in “supply and demand”… she DOES NOT want the D.
There is so much D trying to go around, not even the alphabet wants the D.
If you named your kid Hunter because you like to hunt, then I hate you. Who names a kid after an activity?.
*Storms off w/ his son, Kegger
Someone told me they got a futon instead of a couch/chair because they wanted their furniture to be versatile.
You can use it for sitting AND lying down?
That’s cool, bro.
My chair can be used for sitting and lion taming.
Hit me in the face with a bird
HER: I can’t believe you made a pillow fort for day drinking in.
ME: ᵖˡᵉᵃˢᵉ ᶜᵃˡˡ ᶦᵗ ᶜᵃˢᵗˡᵉ ᴳʳᵉʸ ᴳᵒᵒˢᵉ ˢᵏᵘˡˡ
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME: ᴵ ʰᵃᵛᵉ ᵗʰᵉ ᵖᵒʷᵉʳ
HER: You have a problem.
me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]
1 mojito, 2 mojitos, 3 mojittos, 4 mojjitus, 5 mogytus, 6 mujhitosos, 7 mojhgbvftos, 8 modfgtrescos
“Will you make something for the bake sale?” The PTA president approaches me cheerfully.
“Oh, no, last time I baked, I set the kitchen on fire,” I laugh lightly.
Then whisper: “And that time it wasn’t even on purpose.”
It’s that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.
said in every police drama ever
– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin
My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”
A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away
A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away
Me: How was school?
9-year-old: We practiced emergency bus evacuations.
Me: Was it fun?
9: No. They stopped the bus first.
Trying to get home and now I have to complete a side quest
waiter: would u like a baked potato, mashed potatoes, or fries with that
me: yes
I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned
Dad: [sighing as he reviews my math homework] it’s sined and you should’ve used tangent
*Hello this is your pilot speaking, we still have about 9 hours in the air so let me entertain you folks reading you some of my tweets*
triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture
I’m at my most math when I solve a problem while creating three new ones.
Heard astrology described as “space racism” and that’s the only definition I’ll accept from now on.
birds really just be screaming at 5am, go make breakfast damn
Hate it when I put on active wear and nothing happens.
Husband: “Did you eat the last cookie?”
Me: “The kids did.”
H: “Are you sure?”
Me: “What am I 5? I told you I didn’t eat it.”
H: ” Hey kids, did mommy eat the last cookie?”
Kids: “Yeah, and she ate it in the bathroom so we couldn’t get it.”