Jane Fonda as bottles of hand wash.
A thread.
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Imagine the carnage at an IKEA team building event.
my physical therapist told me I should be using a foam roller “or a wine bottle, since I know you have one of those at home”
Mad at your man? Five minutes before he gets home, turn on “Pitch Perfect” then hide the remote in the dishwasher.
The easter bunny left a note, it simply said:
Happy easter-fools day, I’ve hidden the deviled eggs around the house and turned the heat way up, you probably have about 25-30 minutes left before shit gets real bad!
Have a blessed day,
EB
“What a brave fashion choice!” is the ninja of insults.
got my mind on my money and my money
is nowhere to be found.
Scheduled an appointment with a trauma specialist to help me address some of the shit I’ve gone through. She’s quite expensive but I think if I don’t do this I’ll probably die so if you’re interested in buying a painting that would be awesome. Check the Insta link in my bio
I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.
According to HR, putting a middle finger emoji at the end of my auto-reply before going on vacation, is apparently not acceptable.
My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.
A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping
“ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER”
[spider removes earbuds]
“yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever”
I’m behind 38 episodes of Game of Thrones. I’ll just jump in the new season and piece it all together. Should be fine.
Dental hygienist: Whew! You’re all done with your cleaning. That took a bit longer than I expected.
Me: *maintains eye contact while biting into Oreo* Thanks.
STUDENT: Will there be a final?
PROFESSOR: Does a bear shit in the woods?
BEAR STUDENT: *from the back row* Thats none of your damn business
it’s cool that your dog can fetch & obey commands but my cat can vomit on the bedspread so quietly that i don’t even wake up and you can’t teach that sort of thing
Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.
mortgage broker: You’ll need proof of stable income.
me: no problem
broker: Where are you currently employed?
me: Spirit Halloween
GEICO: customer service, how can we help?
ME: I’ve been in a car accident
GEICO: ok are you in a safe location?
ME: *looking around bank vault I crashed into* how did you know?
Every time my husband pisses me off, I sprinkle sugar on his deodorant so he’s wondering all day why his armpit hair is so sticky.
I’m not saying there are microchips in the vaccines but my right arm just told me it will be updating tonight between midnight and 2 a.m.
You didn’t want to camp out with me to buy the new ABBA album. If you change your mind, I’m the first in line.
Dear Kelloggs,
Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.
Sincerely,
Tired parents
SON: What will happen when I die?
DAD: Well son, you know how all dogs go to heaven?
SON: YA-
DAD: You’re not a dog.
Have you ever listened fo someone talk for a while and wondered who helps them put their shoes on the right feet?
I already tried new things thanks.
How dare the delivery guy ring my doorbell and disturb me with a package that I ordered.
DOCTOR: We were all out of blood for your transfusion so we used Mountain Dew
ME: [I don’t hear bc I already snowboarded out the window]
Remember back when we had energy? Those were the days.