Dental hygienist: Whew! You’re all done with your cleaning. That took a bit longer than I expected.
Me: *maintains eye contact while biting into Oreo* Thanks.
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I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.
“”What if – and this sounds crazy – what if we based the look on this drawing my 3 year old made?” – Design team for Kia Soul
My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”
ME: should we give it a dry rub
CORONER: get out
Autocorrect just changed “loose cannon” to “loser cannon” and now I’m imagining all the people I could shoot out of it.
I always eat cake like I’m about to be caught.
[first date]
HER: You smell so good. What are you wearing?
ME: *nodding and sniffing myself* Mashed potatoes with gravy.
tonight at the bar, ask a woman if you can buy her a drink. If she says yes, hand that lucky lady a Starbucks gift card and walk away
“And why did you join our gym?”
▫️to stay healthy
▫️a friend recommended it
☑️I’ve seen myself naked
[Fancy Restaurant]
Host: May I take the lady’s coat?
Me: Please.
Host: And yours sir?
Me: *tightens belt around my karate GI* You can try.
Why spend thousands on college when you can just walk into a dense fog and re-emerge years later with glowing eyes and an unfathomable growth in human intelligence?
As you get older you’re supposed to find younger generations kind of scary, but how the fuck am I supposed to be intimidated by anyone who says “seggs” instead of sex.
I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.
Cashier: Your total is $2,967.
Me: Okay. Please take off the greeting card.
Cashier: Your total is now $7.
“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing
I’ve been nominated Vice President of the PTA.
It’s only a matter of time before my political sex scandal.
22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.”
29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”
Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.
dutch so unserious
Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime
Why are the people on soap operas always CEOs?
Nobody works at Walmart?
Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.
You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.
Why is everyone getting married at me
The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking
I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead
Interviewer: What drives you?
Me: The bus mostly
Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning?
M: missing the bus
“you’re the first girl i’ve brought here”
the bartender:
The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don’t talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, chin wag, natter or chat about Thesaurus Club.