noah’s wife: so, how’s your little project going?
noah: little project? {he sighs, grabs his plate & gets up from the table} i’m going to eat dinner in my room
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I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?
What I said: No
What I meant: No
What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.
Word find for ghosts:
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
They say a dog park is a great place to meet guys.
I don’t have a dog, but I walk around with a bag full of poop so I don’t look weird.
My son can now reach the light switches so don’t come over my house unless you’re really into raves or want to have a seizure.
My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!
My kids came over for their weekly visit and I said to them: “Life is short so never spend time doing anything you don’t want to do.” They said: “Cool! Bye.”
finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice
My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.
Babies get so disrespectful when they don’t want their pacifier
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
Not sure what I did wrong to get targeted ads for pants with underwear sewn in.
If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.
[babies txting]
“my dad’s thumb just came off”
lol wtf 😂
“wait its back on again nvm”
ok lmao
“he just stole my nose”
im phoning the police
wife: YOU changed the sheets?!
[flashback to me eating nachos in bed after she told me not to and getting cheese everywhere]
me: Surprise!
Him: If I am the King of Diamonds *pulls out ring*, will you be my Queen of Hearts?
Me: Put that away before you meet the Queen of Clubs
I confused girdle and wordle, and now I can’t spell for crap but my waistline looks fabulous
sheep: hey give me my jeans back
wolf: no I need them for this idiom
Anyway, I heard some “Norwegian black metal” today. Let’s just say there’s a reason no one ever built cities on it…
when your parents get a divorce you gotta figure out if pokemon mom or pokemon dad has better exclusives. lucky if you have a sibling so you can each pick one and trade
No thank you free mattress on the side of the road, I prefer to get my crabs the old fashioned way, by sleeping with complete strangers.
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
Him: I like you a lot.
Her: Meh.Him: I’ve found someone else.
Her: I’m bat shit crazy restraining order status in love with you now
I hate when people ask me what I meant by something. Listen, I have no idea. I’m as confused here as you are.
We’re both learning what I’m about to say at the exact same time.
Daughter found the wrinkle cream and when I told her what it was for she said, “Daddy, you should use that when you grow up” so I guess my point here is maybe 4 isn’t too young for a pony.
Have you ever felt like something was touching your face at night? Don’t you worry. It’s just a MOTH, DRINKING YOUR TEARS WHILE YOU SLEEP.
mom, did you know there are more kids than teachers at my school?
-my 7 year old making the best of her public education
*all the Avengers line up to face Thanos*
THANOS: who’s the purple guy
IRON MAN: that’s Hawkeye
THANOS: oh
THOR: he shoots arrows
THANOS: like magical ones?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *pauses* just regular ones
THANOS: I see
HAWKEYE: you guys know I can hear you right
I’ve never read Catcher In The Rye, mostly because I can’t stand cereals or baseball.
Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.
Please send chickpeas.