“And why did you join our gym?”
▫️to stay healthy
▫️a friend recommended it
☑️I’ve seen myself naked
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What even happened today?
NOT all policemen are strippers.
Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation
If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!
Every morning when I leave the house, I’m run over by the same kid on a bike.
It’s a vicious cycle.
me: *knows girls like nerds* I read a lot
date: what kind of books?
me: *knows girls also like jocks* heavy ones
Accidentally drove to work w/the kids still in the car & they waited until I parked to cheer that they weren’t going to school.
Mon-1
Mom-0
PALM READER: *reading my palm* Eggs, milk, flour-
ME: *laughing* Sorry, that’s my shopping list. Try the other palm.
PALM READER: I can see from your life line that you have a passion for cake baking.
ME: *gasps* How can you tell?
*typing “eight spiders” into my calorie app*
ME: We’ve developed a fear of boy bands
WIFE: At the same time
THERAPIST: In sync?
TOGETHER: *screams*
Him: Can you turn on the wifi?
Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*
My sister thinks I should come see her new baby, but where was she when I got my new goldfish? Nice try sis.
[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]
omg this is gonna hurt
12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!
Vaccines in Australia are called emunizations.
1st rule of snitch club is d-
“MIKE BROKE THE 1ST RULE!”
Ok w-
“JIM BROKE THE 3RD RULE!”
*police sirens*
Who called the cops
*everyone runs*
I wear the same 2 Halloween costumes every year. I start off as a “ghost” and end up as a “drunk ghost that needs a ride home.”
My downstairs neighbor thinks I’m a little creepy and that I overstep my bounds. At least that’s what she wrote in her diary.
Only Americans understand
It sounds mean, but my best friend sent me a card with glitter in it, so the next time I see her I’m going to have to punch her in the face.
The “research” scene in every horror movie
Me: If you love something you have to let it go.
Wife: Get your own bag of shredded cheese
A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required
LIFE HACK: solve every murder mystery by being the murderer
Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’
Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’
If you tell my dog he’s getting a treat and forget, he will stalk you until you remember. We came in an hour ago and I just figured out why he’s been following me around and staring at me like I’m made of bacon.
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
No time to exercise? Get the results of a 30 minute workout in only 3 seconds by accidentally stepping on your cat on the stairs in the dark
[before electricity was invented]
ME: [presses hand dryer]
GUY IN THE WALL: [deep inhale]