so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha
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[breathing]
“I could do this all day.”
Oh, you didn’t have any taste before Covid either, honey
Selena Gomez’s friend gave her a kidney and Meghan Markle’s friend set her up with a prince and I’m not saying I’m ungrateful for my friends but I am saying that they really need to step it up
The bad news is, I’ve failed yet again to poach eggs. The good news is, in my attempts I’ve discovered how to turn lead into gold.
I never thought I’d meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right
I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore
Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?
[stabbing you with a knife]
I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.
*Sweeping the floor
Lower back: “Time to go out!”
Brain: “Wait, why? We’re not doing anything the least bit strenuous!”
Lower Back: “Dunno, we just gotta”
*cries hunchbackedly
*Stands guard with scissors and tinsel*
Wait, you said “wrap battle”, right?
My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.
Just a friendly reminder folks.
Don’t forget to set back your rooster this weekend.
Phone: your storage is full.
“looks at my 8,726 identical photos of last 100 years”
Me: no, I need all of these
Mornin
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an accountant
Me: oh nice
Date: thanks
Me:
Date:
Me: so how many ants have u counted so far
our Lyft driver this evening has plenty of barf bags stashed in the back, automatic 5 stars for him
me [sliding my therapist 20$]: so what’s my problem, doctor?
therapist [loudly]: you’re just too good at sex, unbelievably good
hot ikea salesman: ok firstly you can’t do this here, secondly what
Jellyfish husband: I have to work again this weekend.
Jellyfish wife: Just tell your boss he can’t force you to do this every weekend.
Jellyfish husband: You know I can’t do that.
Jellyfish wife: Oh FFS grow a spi…
Jellyfish husband: GROW A WHAT LINDA
me: so.. you know how you sometimes misplace stuff
wife: where’s the baby
Date: What are you thinking about?
Me *wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich* I was wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich
The Mastodon crowd doesn’t care for me much. Pretty sure it’s my cologne.
All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.
As the pair of scissors steps up to the starting line, the other runners quickly realize that this race just got a whole lot more dangerous.
I heard a mouse yesterday. So now I loudly announce myself whenever I enter a dark room. In case you’re wondering how brave I am
Friend, cradling a baby: I just love the smell of babies!
Me: Yes, delicious.*friend frowns; I discretely check my Conversational Human guide*
Me: Yes, “nice.”
Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro
HER: Im breaking up with u
ME: Is it because I say “Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s” when things go wrong?
HER: Ya
ME:(under breath) Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s
HR: I’m afraid that’s not proper corporate dress code.
ME: *taking off wetsuit* casual Friday is bullshit then.
Doctors offices be like hi we’ll take you right in the room take your vitals and then leave you in there for 2 hours.
One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.
We also don’t have a second floor.