As the pair of scissors steps up to the starting line, the other runners quickly realize that this race just got a whole lot more dangerous.
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Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!
My mom loves telling people that I practically raised myself. I used to think she was proud of my independence, but now I realize she’s been distancing herself from blame.
News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave
Big Bad Wolf: I’m here for the cookout
Three Little Pigs: We’re not letting you in
Big Bad Wolf: This blows. Heeeeyyy, wait just a minute!
Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…
Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.
“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom
She was rare, like a Billie Eilish song I can actually hear at normal volume.
I used to think Pet Insurance was a waste of money but my cat is at the vets & they’ve sent us a really lovely little courtesy cat.
“And this is Flegh, Fnnnr, Grmm, Jsssh and Jhee-Jo.” (What My Brain Hears When Introduced to a Group of People)
My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.
The bath is too wet
– reason 101 my toddler is tantruming
[Who Wants to be a Millionaire]
Me: I’m stumped. Can I phone a friend?
Host: What’s your friend’s name?
Me: Wikipedia.
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable The Godfather – With Benefits
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going on a spur-of-the-moment vacation, we can spend an entire weekend trying to figure out where That Smell is coming from.
Anyone want to do the laundry for me? Im exhausted. I can pay you in beanie babies or hot monkey sex.
The monkey’s name is Earl. He bites.
My friends are talking about going to a club after dinner and drinks and while I know the time goes back tonight I didn’t realize it was going back to 2004
The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head
My daughter just rolled over in her sleep, smiled and said ‘waffles’. She’s definitely mine
Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.
Shoutout to the woman who yelled in anger as Wonka began “this stupid thing is a musical?!”
[Editor’s note: the woman was my mother-in-law. I was sitting with her. This was a full theater.]
in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away
[Busy Diner]
Waitress carrying 4 plates: “OK now, honey. Who was eggs?”
Me (highly educated): “In a sense…” (scrunching up eyes to read her name badge) ”…Barbara. All of us were once eggs.”
Whenever someone tells me how well behaved my kids are I say it’s cause they’re not at home.
Pro Tip:
On 20th wedding anniversary, giving wife a book called
“The Many Benefits of Kegels”.
Is not a great idea.I know this now.
Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*
My husband won’t let me pick up wood at Home Depot because he doesn’t want it scratched or bent but I can take care of his children daily.
Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.