Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.
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ME [first time on-air as a weather man]: don’t go outside unless you want your hair to look like you just shot off the fence at Jurassic Park
Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
Password: 1 upper case letter, 1 lower case letter, 1 stair case, 1 briefcase, 1 in case of emergency, 2 cases of beer, and 1 quesadilla.
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
[thanksgiving dinner]
Me: *to my racist uncle* hahah now who’s being too sensitive
My aunt: *scrambling for an epipen* did you give him shrimp?!
At least he brought enough for everyone
Our tv was on with the volume a smidge louder than societal norms, my husband was watching a YouTube video on his phone at medium volume, I was watching a tiktok on my phone full blast and my daughter walks in and yells, “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD BUY HEADPHONES.”
No one heard her.
The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
Local Person: That Pizza Hut over there used to be a KFC and Taco Bell.
Me: I love hearing history like this.
This flying squirrel faked his own death, and created a whole crime scene…for attention. I think I’m in love.
Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?!
Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.
Friend: I get my kids to eat their vegetables by making up cute names like ‘caulipower’ and ‘broccoli trees’.
Me: I get my sons to eat their vegetables by saying, “Eat your damn vegetables.”
My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.
I didn’t even know I had a wife.
January is the ex boyfriend you shouldn’t drunk text at two a.m.
me: [hiring a hitman] now how can we make my songs better
No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.
Me looking for something to eat….
⠀
Instructions: bake for 25 minutes.
⠀
Me: ugh, that takes too long. I don’t feel like dealing with it.
⠀
*proceeds to door dash overpriced food that will take 45 minutes to arrive*
gonna play video games. i need a mental escape from politics, it feels like the apocalypse
-plays Fallout, a game about living in the apocalypse-
[hell]
Satan: this is our library
Me: cool i love reading
Satan: we only have the twilight series
[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.
Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”
Are you tired of greasy pots and pans? Stubborn kitchen stains? Messy sponges and sprays? Me too. I wish the sun would devour the earth.
I did the DNA test 23 and me. I’m 85% Hagen Dazs and only 15% Reeses! This test is bullshit!
[Reading of my will]
To my children I leave my vast collection of pants, which over the years we have affectionately referred to as your
*Everyone says simultaneously
“Our jeanetic inheritance”
My body is 61% water and 53% math skills.
“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”
[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.
I think my toddler said her first three word sentence today. I was so proud! I asked her if she wanted a hug and she said “no want it!”