[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.
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WHY DOES EVERYONE ON DATING APPS LIKE HIKING SO MUCH
Rich people say “Summered” we summered on Cape Cod. We went to Maine once on a Wednesday, I Wednesdayed in Maine
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.
sometimes I wonder if it’s possible to be TOO happy, then I remember that it’s not possible to be TOO stoned, so the answer is: banana
Back in my day the only time we started panic buying is when the bartender yelled out “last orders” and rang that little bell……
Having a lovely family holiday in Rome thanks to this free city guide
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
I’m not high maintenance at all. All I want from a partner is the understanding that I need to feel worshipped whilst also being mostly left alone.
Therapist: what’s your support system like?
Me: about $150 an oz
If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?
The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.
My daughter has so many outfit changes I shoulda named her Lady Gaga.
Highly Misleading Pictures That Will Make You Need To Look Twice At To Understand
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Stop clicking your pen when you talk to me Kevin
I swear I will murder your face with my tape dispenser
I’ve been getting fewer and fewer new followers but I’ll be damned if I’m going to tweet something good just because some people have taste.
8y/o: Do prisons have libraries?
Me: Yeah, usually.
8y/o: Yay! So I can still read when I’m in prison.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
My daughter made handmade Christmas cards for friends and family. She decided to abbreviate some of the words to make the work go faster. Instead of writing “I made this for you” her cards read “I made this f you”. I’d correct her but it seems like the perfect 2020 sentiment.
Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.
Job interview with the NSA
Applicant: Would you like references?
NSA: We have everything we need.
App: You guys!
NSA: I know, right!
The best way to avoid unnecessary arguments with your sexual partner is by agreeing the price in writing before you start.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
my family doesn’t like that i’m in a permanent bad mood after they made it a priority group project to put me in a permanent bad mood
If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.
[training the new person at work]
Them: so you do this everyday?
Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes
[watches you eat my bday cake]
“I’ve poisoned that.”
“Haha very [clasps chest & begins panting] w-with what?”
[leans in & winks]
“Poison.”
When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.
Liquor store clerk: I’m gonna need to see some age verification.
Me: *makes dial-up internet sound*
Gmail search is amazing. You can search something like “flight sacramento receipt 2023” and it will somehow manage to serve up literally every email in your inbox that isn’t the receipt for the flight you just took to Sacramento.