You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??
Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?
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The bad news is my toddler dumped my husband’s large water bottle all over the couch and himself. The good news is now he’s had his bath
WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid
ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen
PENSIVE MAN: the most terrifying enemy we face is the fear within
PERSON WHO NARROWLY SURVIVED A GRIZZLY ATTACK: or a bear
[Enter restaurant]
WIFE: See if you can get us a table
ME: Ok[1 minute later]
ME: [sprinting towards wife, carrying table] START THE CAR
MAYBE PEACH JUST LIKES BOWSER A LOT AND WE’RE FOLLOWING A NARRATIVE OF MARIO THE DELUSIONAL HOMEWRECKER.
*cops pull me from operating room*
the boss has a new hairpiece and i’m trying real hard not to laugh
Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907
I have a date with a sexy, young doctor. Technically, it’s called an appointment. But whatever.
How come Yoko Ono didn’t marry someone from Nickleback instead?
I have to pick my dad up from work tonight, how the turntables. I wonder what embarrassing things I can do when I pull up to his place of business
THERE ARE 7 BILLION PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. WHY WOULD YOU HAVE SEX WITH KITCHENWARE?
Oh, that’s not what pansexual means. Carry on then.
Turns out when society collapses, every single person has the exact same instinct and it is to bake bread
When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
Biologist screws up:
Mutant killer virusPhysicist screws up:
Deadly black holeGeologist screws up:
Rock on table is now rock on floor
“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.
I’m texting hubs a grocery list one item at a time so he can experience his phone blowing up
Splinter: Leo.
Mikey: I’m Michelangelo. That’s Leo.
Donny: I’m Donatello. That’s Leo.
Leo: I thought I was Raphael.– Why they wear masks
Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal
Tattoos are a nice way to forever honor loved ones, like family members who have passed away, or skulls with bat wings that have passed away
Him: I’m sorry, can we start over?
Me: great idea! You introduce yourself, and this time I’ll keep walking.
wife: [looking at our baby] lets name her after my mother
me: ok
[later]
friend: aww what’s her name?
[at same time]
wife: alice
me: grandma
How to cow tip:
First, sneak up behind the cow.
Next, get into a wide stance.
Finally, slip the money into it’s bell.
This summer on ABC. In a dog eat dog world. We’re gonna see who can eat the most dogs
2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod
Sometimes I like to call random numbers and if an older man answers I’ll say, “Hi. I know this sounds crazy, but I’m your daughter.”
A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
Actually, Kara, love is an illusion created by chemical reactions. The most powerful force in the world is the invisible hand of the market.
[playing 7 minutes in heaven]
doctor: ok lol plug him back in now
wife: “you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings”
me: [covering penguin’s ears] “he can hear you linda”