Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!
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[inventing jogging]
how can I suffer but with music
Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!
I’ve wasted so much of my life on terrible boyfriends but I’ll never regret the time I’ve spent training my fruit bat Bing to remove all the raisins from my trail mix.
My wife’s late for work because I unplugged her alarm so I could charge my phone. She’s mad, but at least I can tell you guys about it.
Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.
Me: “I need a home improvement loan.”
Banker: “What will you be using the money for?”
Me: “A divorce lawyer.”
I respect the guy who drives his Blue BMW through the White Castle drive thru. It’s like he’s saying: “I’m better than you—but not by much.”
Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.
My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.
“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
[getting dating advice from my dad]
Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid
“Well which one is it?”
Her: …so are you into playing sexy games in bed?
Me: Absolutely…Are you talking Monopoly?
Her:
Me: I’ll be the thimble.
*patting my infant son on the back*
you can fit a whole airplane in this baby
ME: I wish my enemies’ hair had nerve endings
GENIE: dude
REASONS I’M NOT IN A BAND:
4. I don’t play any instruments
3. Band practice could affect my karate career
2. My karate rivals might hide inside our tour bus and sneak attack me as I relax
1. High risk of groupies falling in love with me and distracting me from my karate training
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
Pikachu found the lost joint
Economists trying to explain how inflation is real
[11yo takes unflattering picture of me]
11: Hahaha OMG look at this
Me: Sweetie, I’ve got blackmail material on you that would make you weep
[in hell]
me: *sad* why am I here?
satan: you’re a murderer
me: what? no I’m not
satan: oh no? *rolls footage of my 3rd grade dance recital* you absolutely SLAYED, guuuuuuurl
me: *blushing* aww
Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job
Me: so you want me to buy all the presents.
Santa: yes.
Me: put them together?
Santa: yep.
Me: wrap them up?
Santa: that’s right.
Me: and then tell my kids you got the presents for them?
Santa:
Me:
Santa: I mean when you say it like that it sounds bad.
Who decides which tweets go viral and which ones don’t?? I have been putting out quality content for YEARS and I’m starting to understand how Leonardo DiCaprio felt waiting for his Oscar.
My son asked what it was like to be a parent so I begged him to make me chicken nuggets and then held on to his leg so he couldn’t move.
[HR office]
HR: you know why you’re here, right?
Me:
HR: you can’t “contract” Down’s Syndrome & you can’t call in sick with it
If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.
uncle ben: remember pete, with great power comes great responsibility
peter parker: you’re right i should stop crimes with my webs
uncle ben (scared): ok.