Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
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I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.
I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements
Wife: Why did you have to cook all of it at once? Not only do we now have to eat 5 pounds of the stuff for breakfast but the whole house smells like bacon!
Me: I’m failing to see what part of this is upsetting
Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no
Daughter: Anyone there?
Ouija Board: S P O T
Daughter: But Spot went to live at the farm
Ouija Board: N O
ME: *tips over whole table with ouija board* go clean your room
RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
Finally found the perfect background for my zoom meetings
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
This is a wasp nest that has grown around the flood lights on a garage and yes you will see it in your nightmares tonight
santa: make me a hundred thousand PlayStations
elf: *holding only a hammer* how
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the feelings I’ve been trying to avoid.
After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.
‘Hello Microsoft support, what’s the nature of the problem?’
‘Eggshell’
‘Eggshell??’
‘Yesh’
‘Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?’
sorry I missed your call, 95% of the calls I get are from robots trying to steal my credit card information so this entire method of communication is now dead to me
I tell people “I’m not looking for anything serious” because I’m hunting clowns.
[zombie apocalypse]
SURVIVOR: That Chuck E. Cheese looks safe let’s take shelter in it
ME: *banned from all Chuck E. Cheese’s for tongue kissing the animatronic rat* You guys go ahead
I think I’m finally ready to find a boyfriend!
*Looks behind drapes
*Checks under the bed
*Searches back of closetIt’s so hard to meet people these days
There’s no I in team, but there’s one in IKEA cuz I’m the only one putting together this damn Fjällbo
Being an adult
Pros)You can eat anything you want
Cons)You can’t eat anything you want
AVRIL LAVIGNE: he was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it anymore obvious
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST:
“Why have a ballroom, with no Balls?”
-Disney’s Frozen
I paused the movie to tweet this…
My son is happy I’m staying off twitter until he goes to bed so as to spend more time with him.
He is not happy with his new 6pm bedtime
I brought a road drink with me while supervising my son’s learner driving. Unless that’s illegal, in which case, I did not & mind ya business
Biden: I painted “Michelle Obama 2020” on your bedroom ceiling
Obama: 😳
Biden: Glow in the dark paint
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will destroy the ecological balance.
Me: hello, police? I think I’m living with a murderer! Last night, she came home with a body… Crap! She just came in.
Cat: *meow*
The eclipse was like April fools for birds
My son needed a last-minute Halloween costume so I wrapped him like a mummy with my CVS receipt.
You can also scan him for $2 off Advil.
*getting a deli sandwich*
person making sandwich: only 1 piece of cheese?
me: yes
person: u can have 3 pieces of cheese for the same price
me: that’s ok I’m good
person: it’s FREE cheese tho
me: I don’t want that much cheese
person: *yelling* ITS FREE CHEESE