Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
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Tell the Starbucks barista that your name is Voldemort. Watch for those who don’t flinch when the name is called. They will be your allies.
I can’t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment
My 3yo isn’t very original when it comes to naming his stuffed animals… Kitty, Brown Bear, Bunny, etc. So why should I be surprised he named the turtle “Turdy?”
This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”
Gmail search is amazing. You can search something like “flight sacramento receipt 2023” and it will somehow manage to serve up literally every email in your inbox that isn’t the receipt for the flight you just took to Sacramento.
Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…
Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
16: ‘We should put a flat screen on the wall!’
Wife: ‘I really don’t like mounting things.’
Me: *mumbles ‘No shit.’
W: ‘What was that??’
I’m pretty sure the coupon I gave you for a $7 haircut suggests that I’m not interested in that $44 bottle of shampoo, but thank you.
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
I’m literally crying
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Me: *sends nude of me laying on couch*
Her: When did you get a belly ring?
Me: Oh…no, that’s a Fruit Loop
Age is just a number until your 10yrs younger husband says “your hair today makes you look like Uncle Jesse’s girlfriend” and you think he meant from Dukes of Hazzard but he meant Full House and needless to say he’s now your ex-husband
You can’t outrun your problems…
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Can’t. Growing Yosemite Sam moustache.
Twitter is like handing the dumbest person you know a bullhorn
No thanks, Cosmo. I already know 20 ways to drive my man crazy in the bedroom. Any room really. Unintentionally. I’m difficult to be with.
The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.
early stone age tool
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you: *finger guns*
me: *collapses*
you: *thinking im dead, lowers your finger guns*
me: *quickly rolls on my side, points my finger guns at you*
you: *freezes*
me: *unbuttons my shirt to reveal a finger-proof vest*
you: *starts to raise your finger guns
me: *finger guns*
When they told you to ‘seek attention’, they meant ‘medical’, not ‘internet’, psychopath.
Naughty at 40 is a hoax
Welcome to age of joint pains and loads of stress
Sunday
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I constantly see other people’s jobs they’re doing or have done and think “psshhh, I could do that better” like artists, photographers, dog walker, giraffe masseuse, water boy at a bath house, monkey tickler, Seth Greens personal high fiver, Doctor of Thuganomix.
4 was mean to his brother so I read him a story about an unkind crab who becomes stuck in a trap. 4 asked, “Did this happen because the crab was mean?”
Sensing a good opportunity, I shut the book and said, “Yes. And they ate him. The end.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
My daughter came downstairs an hour earlier than normal this morning and caught me hiding eggs. I had no choice but to tell her the truth: I woke up early to steal the candy that the Easter Bunny had left her.
wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.
mom, did you know there are more kids than teachers at my school?
-my 7 year old making the best of her public education