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humans only use 10% of their treadmills
The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.
HOW COME YOU NEVER HEAR THUNDER AROUND LIGHTNING BUGS?
cat lawyer slowly pushing the opposing lawyer’s evidence off the courtroom table
I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless
The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
Women’s Magazines:
Pg 1. You’re beautiful and perfect just the way you are
Pg 2. How to lose 20kg in 10 days.
[death row]
GUARD: Ok, here’s your last meal. Bon appétit.
CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*
My lady bits are ready to be fertilized now….
Flirting is easy!
Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder.
Candy canes are the perfect treat. They are minty & put you into the holiday spirit & can easily be fashioned into a shank.
I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.
Twenty years ago today I walked across the stage and proudly accepted a diploma from Harvard University, a day I’ll never forget. I was promptly tackled by security and charged with trespassing, but man, what a moment.
I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…
Twitter keeps throwing in “in case you missed it” on my timeline…. I’ve been on twitter for the last 16 hours, I didnt miss it.
Me:She’s better than me.
BF:She’s not.
M:Look at those, they’re incredible!
BF:
M:STOP STARING!-Boyfriend reading other women’s tweets
*gets bitten
*becomes shy shy
Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper
if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected
I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.
HOW TO TRICK A MAN INTO MARRIAGE
her: hey babe they’re serving all you can eat beans at this church
him: see you there
[at the church]
her: I just found out the beans are only for married couples
him: ahh fine
Start calling divorces “incidents”
Level up on that intrigue
[breakfast time]
Me: What do you want?My kid: I’m not sure
Me: How about the same thing you had yesterday and every single day before that?
My kid: I need more time to think
MUGGER: Hand over your wallet.
MY DAD: No, no, no. You’re holding the knife all wrong. Ugh, just give me that… and, pull up your damn pants.
If you ask him what he admires most about a woman and he says brains, you’ve got yourself a zombie.
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.
“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
– Mark Twain
“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.