[trying to fit in with people at the gym]
me: *takes a big swig of gatorade* wow you can really taste the gator![]()
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Wife: Don’t you think the yard needs to be mowed?
(from my recliner I check google maps satellite view of our house)
Me: It looks fine to me
Just broke a clothes hanger and now have seven years of bad outfits.
ME: *sighs* yep, story of my life
EDITOR: please stop saying that every time you hand me a draft of your autobiography
Cleaned out my car yesterday, it only took me 15 years.
me as a parent
Humidity is great because then people think it’s not my fault that my hair looks like this.
Never let them know your next move 😂
[notice son’s not home]
[text]
Me: IT’S AFTER MIDNIGHT! I SAID HOME BY 11!
17: You were my ride.
Me: Oh. Where are you again?
I’m tired of the unrealistic beauty standards promoted by the avian media.
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I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.
Me: Dont you hate it when you enter a room and then forget what you came in for? Haha.
Patient on the operating table: Can I have some other surgeon please?
People who say losing weight is “just math” clearly have no idea how far out of my way I go to avoid math.
Overheard someone telling someone else about their twins birthday coming up and the one asked how old they’d be, I shit you not she said “7 and 9”
me: hit that tree with your fist
hitman: that’s not what i do
me: hundred bucks
hitman: no
me: will you punch a house
I would like to propose Dual-McDonald’s, one side is for people who know what they want because we all have the same order as adults for life and one for people who eat there 3 times a week but pretend they’ve never seen the menu before.
My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.
Alfred: I’ve completed engineering on the new batmobile radar unit
Batman: That’s great and did the dishes do themselves?
Alfred: no sir
A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”
Keeping an extra close eye on 7 since she said that The Grinch is good at everything after she watched him spin his head around
Kids got me a t-shirt 2 sizes too small and made me a big breakfast this morning. So yes I now know what it’s like to take off a sports bra
Doormats are a gateway rug.
me: let’s do the sexy time!
wife: did you get your chores done?
me: *kicking dirt* no I still need to vacuum
[during sex]
me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*
こいつ天才
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[first date]
Me: I don’t like flowers
Her: orchids?
Me: nope, but it’s a little soon to be talking about starting a family
All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don’t even remember what he did anymore.
if you have a cat tell them i said pspspsps
Sleep patterns are fascinating. There’s light sleep, where your heart rate slows; deep sleep, where you can’t easily be wakened; and REM sleep, where you lose your religion.
She agreed to a second date but when I went to pick her up, her place was a Spirit Halloween. So now I’m not sure if she ghosted me or just stepped out for coffee real quick