[trying to fit in with people at the gym]
me: *takes a big swig of gatorade* wow you can really taste the gator
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10yo just came to me, so excited to share about a “new artist” he discovered who sounds “just like Alexander Hamilton.”
Anyways it was Eminem.
“This smoothie is spicy!”
“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”
You had one job 🤦🏻♀️
It’s funny how Gina who cheated on me in 9th grade because I was “too much of a prude” is now a Catholic school teacher.
The year is 2482.
The human population has been decimated.
Machines have taken over Earth.
A new season of Grey’s Anatomy starts.
Me: *falls down entire staircase*
(20 full seconds of silence)
Dad: …careful.
My last name has 16 letters in it and I think this is why telemarketers give up trying to sell me that cruise to the Bahamas.
If I was a marriage counselor, I’d just make the couple log on to any dating app for 2 min.
I’ve got all my ducks in a row but these chickens have no concept of symmetry.
Me: was your son fed?
Wife: yes.
Me: bathed?
Wife: yes.
Me: in bed on time?
Wife: yes.
Me: so I’m a “bad dad” why?
Wife: his pajamas.
Me: what about them?
Wife: THEY. DON’T. MATCH.
Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.
I realized I was taking too long to get my toddler her food when she started growling at me
Hey, does anyone know how to stop eating chips?
My kids are asking for another dog that I can feed and walk.
to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath
“Hey dad”
Liam Neeson: OMG WERE U-
“Just called to say hi”
Neeson: [Gutted] Oh. Thanks. Well give me a call if-
“If I get taken, yes I know”
Her: I’m a sapiophile
Me: I don’t know what that is
Her: it’s being attracted to intelligence
Me: totally I am a sap… sapial… me too
“That seems like a you problem” was my favorite comeback until my 5 yo said it to me
me: I’m in a terrible mood
friend: try drinking some water
me: how dare you my emotions are real and can’t be placated
[immediately after drinking water]
me: okay obviously the water didn’t do anything but I think while drinking I took time to reflect and feel better
Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?
Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.
BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula
Angel: oh look, the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
My boyfriend’s boss is scared of getting the coronavirus so naturally she has decided that instead of finishing at 5:30 they will finish at 4:30, because as we all know the coronavirus only comes out after 5
Lady at the farmers market selling us a hay bale to decorate our yard: just so you know, it’s going to get your car really messy
My 3yo: That’s ok because our car is already really messy
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
Yesterday CNN reported that “sitting will kill you, even if you exercise” and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but living will kill you.
[Mcdonald’s]
DARWIN: 2 Big Mac meals for us… and 9 Happy Meals for the kids
WIFE: we have 10 kids
DARWIN: I know
Words I thought I would never have to yell from the kitchen into the living room: “DON’T GIVE THE CAT SCOTCH!”
I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.
Rise and shine, people. It’ll be dark again in about an hour.