My friends are talking about going to a club after dinner and drinks and while I know the time goes back tonight I didn’t realize it was going back to 2004
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*bursts into a bank*
EVERYBODY GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR. GOOD. NOW PRETEND YOURE A BABY GIRAFFE TRYING TO STAND UP. GOOD. THIS IS AWESOME
Me, representing myself in court:
First of all your honour, how could I have known that this was illegal? I’m not a lawyer!
My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.
the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Feed a man to the fishes, and you’ll never have to share your food again.
When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?
Made some terrible life choices the last few years.
Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.
[hit & run crime scene]
me: judging from the treads, it looks like the perp deliberately swerved into the viccop: sir, you can keep referring to yourself in the 3rd person but we have you on tape leaving the scene AND returning
me: criminals, when will they ever learn amirite?
Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.
Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming
Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It’s like he stood there and thought about it.
Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.
My daughter labeled me BIRTH GIVER in her phone. I’m thinking about labeling her THANKS FOR WHAT YOU DID TO MY BODY.
Sorry I can’t make it to lunch today. I forgot to shorten “people” to ppl in a text this morning and now I’m totally behind schedule.
The 3yo insisted on helping me put all the laundry away. It’s only taken us 6 hours & 10 minutes & apparently pants go in the fridge now.
My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night
When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.
My favorite outdoor activity is looking for shade.
ME: I’ll put a sexy movie on
DATE: Good idea
*presses play*
D: Shrek?
M: omg embarrassing
D: Haha
M: [fumbling with DVD] Meant to be Shrek 2
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4 kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away
Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel
Me too door. Me too.
I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.
The true irony in Taylor Swift singing about feeling 22 at age 23 is that I want to hit her in the face with a cast iron skillet.
Customer: I’ll have the jumbo shrimp
Me (first day as a waiter): just the one?
Customer (first day as a customer): I bet it’s gigantic!
Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…
People keep telling me I behave like a man so I’m currently working up the courage to tell my husband he’s gay.
Finally watched Pulp Fiction with my kid, but fast forwarded thru the parts she’s not ready for… best 27 seconds we’ve spent together recently.