*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*
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I have to go to a birthday dinner for someone I don’t like much, so I plan on bringing up politics right away so I can go home early.
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?
{If autocorrect was a person}
ME: I think that’s right.
AUTOCORRECT: It’s not.
ME: Then what is it?
AUTOCORRECT: I don’t know, dude. Aubergine?
ME: You think I meant aubergine?
AUTOCORRECT: Look, I know literally all of the words, and that was none of them. Maybe this is on you.
I asked my cat if I’m passive aggressive and she ignored me.
I hope I don’t forget to feed her tonight.
Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.
Not one.
I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.
Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also:
Me: I’m not watching that movie. It got 3 stars.
Also me: *watches the roomba chase down a dorito for 45 minutes*
Therapist: Ok *sigh*, what is it this week?
Me: Same issue. I just can’t get past the breakup. It still seems surreal.
Therapist: Look, we’ve been over this repeatedly. Yugoslavia is not getting back together
“Struggling with insomnia” sounds like you’re just trying to help insomnia put on its coat and it won’t stop waving its arms around.
*accidentally clicks on the wrong internet browser*
INTERNET EXPLORER: OH YEAHHHHH! TIME TO SHAKE THE RUST OFF, BABY! WHO’S READY TO EXPLORE. THE. INTER-
*closes browser*
[driving] Goddamn pedestrians
[walking] Goddamn drivers
[both] Goddamn cyclists
My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.
[Watching “Alien” with my son]
Son: You can let go of my hand, dad. I’m not scared
Me: *shaking* Just a few more minutes, please.
Friday, Friday, all gonna die next Friday. Everybody’s gettin’ ready for the world’s end. Gotta make My mind up: Which souls should I take?
me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope
executioner: how are you talking
My husband tried to drop me off at my parents’ house when we were driving back from the airport after our honeymoon bc he had forgotten that we were, in fact, married and now lived in the same house.
The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.
“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again
Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending
I’m not afraid to run into an ex here. Her tweets would be all lame like ‘my dog is cute’ and mine would be all cool like ‘I love you Susan’
I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”
During a zombie apocalypse, establish dominance by approaching the baddest zombie with the snappiest teeth and braid his hair.
I make so many mistakes typing that my autocorrect is like, “Duck this shirt.”
Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…
I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.
*1st dinner date*
Me: waiter, can I get the bill-
Her: I love sophisticated guys
Me: I mean *coughs* waiter can I get the… william?
Bad luck, Atheists named Christian.
Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.