My sister in law got my daughter a doll that sings and blows bubbles and I can’t wait for revenge. I mean my niece’s birthday.
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Asking my boyfriend if he’d still love me if I was one of those weird aliens that drank coffee and babbled angrily at Men in Black passing by
Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.
Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.
friend: wanna see a magic trick
person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you
🎵Whooooaaaa, I’m halfway therrreee
WHOOOAAAA, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRRR
Take this wig, we’ll fake it I swearrrrr
WHOAOHH, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRR🎶
Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
if you’re not in my circle of trust , you’re probably in my triangle of suspicion or rhombus of doubt.
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
What they say: “Parenting is hard.”
What they mean: “You will do your very best to take care of your child, and they will do their very best to stop you from doing that.”
“Sexy role play.. I’ll be a dentist.”
“I’m here for my appointment”
“Did you book in with Karen first?”
“No?”
“Please leave, I’m very busy.”
My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.
wife: Did you help him with his math homework?
me: No
wife*shows me his paper where he answered every question with “This is stupid”*
me:Yes
A bridesmaid, but it’s just someone to hold the bottom half of my CVS receipt.
Bryan Adams: 🎵 Can’t stop this thing we starrrrted 🎵
Guy in next urinal: Dude, please.
*goes to hell
Me: I hear there are special places
Satan: No, they’re all the same!
Me: (showing him a crisp $10 bill) How about now?
You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?
Trevor in human resources.
My ex from highschool followed my new dog’s Instagram account and dm’ed her “I don’t like your mom” LMAO IM DYING
Imagine seeing the most perfect creature walking towards you. They stop. You look deep into their eyes, heart pounding with deep compassion. Your fingers tremble yearning to caress them.
And then you hear those words…
“He’s a service dog. You can’t pet him.”
I partied like it was 1999 and when I woke up, I was holding a huge flip phone with an enormous roaming charge.
This morning my neighbor put a note in my letterbox telling me off for honking my horn to say goodbye to my kids at 9am yesterday
This evening, I’m learning to play the drums
“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?
Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.
Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.
if ever go missing please only put pictures of me on the news where i look skinny and hot even if that means they won’t find me
me: i need directions please
stranger: you need to go north and –
me: left or right
stranger: it’s a little more complex than that
me: *crying* LEFT OR RIGHT
I saw a hummingbird outside my kitchen window first thing this morning. Guess it forgot the lyrics.
kid: whats the meaning of life?
me: life is like a bag of Doritos, when you get to a point where you think youve had enough, you notice there isnt much left in the bag, so you just power through to the end
kid: where do babies come from?
me: babies are like a bag of Doritos…
I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.
OMG, he’s almost here.
How’s my hair?
My clothes?
How do I look?(knock, knock)
He’s here!!!!
I’m so excited!*My pizza delivery guy.
Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?