“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?
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Them: What’s your word for the year?
Me: Snacks.
Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.
Me: How are you doing?
4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!
Me: Same though.
The Purge but instead of all crime being legal all cheese related products are free
How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻♀️
“Is white wine all you have?”
No, I can do any
How to dress when you are a woman over forty:
1. Be a woman over forty
2. Put your clothes on
Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.
No means no. Unless it was said in response to, “Babe, I’m making myself a sandwich. Want one?”
God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.
Not to say my family is messy but I’ve had two different Roombas escape out the backdoor.
YouTuber: Yo what’s up it’s your boy
Me: *astonished whisper* Son?
Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.
the doggo pooped out a little plastic hand so now there’s some poor Barbie running around like Luke Skywalker.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.
me: what’s your sign
chef: spisces
Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.
100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion
*holds flashlight under chin
Me: suddenly the mystery of…Son: haha Dad has like 3 chins
*drops flashlight
Me: SANTA CLAUS IS FAKE!!
Car sex – for when you want risky sex AND improve your twister game
Found a new worse version of saying “thanks, you too” to the hoyts worker who says “enjoy the movie” – hairdresser says “what do you do?” and i answer then say “what about you”
The most important thing I learned from working at the bank is which lollipop flavor tastes the best.
The only sunscreen that’s 100% effective is abstinence
I just had a second grader do an impression of his dad, which included the statement, “I was born in 1990 and I had to grow up watching black and white tv because color tv wasn’t invented yet.”
Sir. 😑
It’s so cute when my kids grew up and moved out
“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”
Me: don’t tell mom where we hid her birthday presents.
3yo: I won’t.
Wife: hey guys.
3yo: mom your birthday presents are definitely not under my bed.
A man was arrested on Brighton beach today for throwing pebbles at the sea birds.
He was accused of having left no tern unstoned.
People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!