How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻♀️
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Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.
me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order
Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?
Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did
[Watching the World Cup]
GUY *nods at the screen* Who’s your favourite player?
ME: uh…that round-headed guy is good, what’s his name again?
GUY:
ME:
GUY: That’s the ball
ME: Ok
if you ever need to teach me a lesson, there is no reason to send three ghosts. a single ghost will do. im not committed enough to any of my negative personality traits to be like “sorry but i’m gonna keep on stealing from walmart unless you make this a multi-ghost situation”
Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: Pull up a chair this is going to be awhile
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
Plagiarism is bad? Change a few words, that shit is yours. It’s like when you change a baby’s clothes- new baby. New baby that’s yours now.
At soccer today my 5 yo realized one teammate was actually his friend from school. It’s been a month. This is everything you need to know about his attention to detail.
I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!
[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct
My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix
[before nap]
I’ll be really productive once I get some sleep!
[after nap]
well now it’s way too late to do anything
[at pet store]
“This tortoise’s shell keeps going soft. Am I doing something wrong?”
“No, it happens. It’s just a reptile dysfunction.”
[costume party]
friend: you’re lateme, dressed as a sloth: sorry
wife: ugh I feel so old
me: you’re only 36
wife: ugh
me: that’s like three 12yr olds
wife: what
me: what
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: Let’s run through the suspects.
PARTNER: Okay.
DETECTIVE: Who’s the most likely?
PARTNER: The husband, for sure.
DETECTIVE: Who else?
PARTNER: Her business partner.
DETECTIVE: And, the least likely?
PARTNER: *shrugs* Tom Hanks, I guess.
Why do I say “no” to necklaces? Oh, I dunno, maybe it’s because I’m not gonna do fully 50% of a strangler’s job for him.
I exercised for a whole hour and a half. It wasn’t all on the same day but still
[Last Supper]
Jesus:”We need 13 chairs please”
Judas:”But chairs don’t fall into common usage until the 16th century AD”
Jesus:”AD?”
Last night, a cop pulled me over. “Out of the car!” he said. Then an Indian, fireman and construction worker appeared. We danced until dawn.
“I FIXED IT!”
CW: Can you hold this Snickers?
Me: mmhmm
CW: Are you holding it in your mouth?
Me: mmhmm
You’re in his DMs, I’m outside his window with a JBL speaker streaming Taylor Swift.
Your first instinct is gonna to be to spell “leopard” and “deaf” correctly. You’re going to want to resist that. – Best band manager ever.
[baby sitting]
“Hey, yeah it’s me. No, everything’s fine. Just a quick question about his legs.”
“…”
“So how many legs did he have?”
If they’re old enough to go to school they’re old enough to hitchhike there.
If I’ve learned anything from children it’s that, no matter what, if you have two socks, you have a pair of socks