I’m my own worst enemy which is frustrating because I’d always hoped my worst enemy would have an eye patch.
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Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll
Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough
I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet
Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”
Nobody:
My husband: That’s it. I’m going to bring back jean shorts.
When your messy bun is really a sloppy bun so your hair keeps tickling your ear and you keep slapping yourself upside the head because it might be a bug even though deep down you know it’s your stupid hair. That’s what today has been like.
So sick of seeing all these tweets about how white people can’t handle spicy food. Every morning I have a lightly buttered crumpet with a side of avocado and I’m so used to it now that it hardly even burns my lips anymore.
Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?
A tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches in the area.
The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.
Me: let’s go get a baby dinosaur.
Wife: where are we going to get a baby dinosaur?
M: at the babysaurus store.
W: Baby’s R Us you idiot.
Not to be too political but liquid shouldn’t drip out first when you’re squeezing out mustard.
Daughter: Daddy, I can’t sleep.
Me: *gets warm milk* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *reads a book* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *starts to sing*
D: *fake sleeps so I’ll stop*
Me: Man, I should have started with that.
help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me
Kids are so inquisitive.
“Will robots ever take over the world?”
Me: “Almost certainly.”
“But when? Before I die?”
“A bit before, yes.”
He said he absolutely would not hang Christmas lights today when I asked. Anyway, he’s almost done hanging the lights, they look very nice.
I’m here to make a donation.
Nun: Blessings, the orphans could use…
*Shoving my kid at her- A brother? I’d like a receipt. For my taxes.
The Raptcha…you have to prove you’re not a robot before you can get into heaven
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
The 4 stage of life:
1. You believe in Santa Claus
2. You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3. You are Santa Clause
4. You look like Santa Claus
*pulls a tiny monocle out of a jar of peanut butter*
OH GOD WHY
Decoding phrases used by employers when describing what they want:
“Believes in the company’s mission” = “willing to take less money.”
“Has great work ethic” = “willing to work longer hours.”
“Has a passion for this work” = “willing to take less money while working longer hours.”
Me: [to myself] ok, act cool
Crush: nice weather today
Me: thanks
Waiter: hi I’m Dave and I’ll be taking care of you
Me: I’ve been hurt before, dave
my mom: curfew’s 9:00
me: please mom i’m in a gang now
my mom:
me: how about 9:15
Spending so much time together is reviving old grievances. my husband has new questions about the time I burned a large hole in his favorite pillow with the iron
Milk crates are like a Swiss Army knife for the poor…
Need a stool? Milk crate!
A bookshelf? Milk crate! A side table? Two milk crates!
[ugly sweater contest]
*starts sweating*
*takes home the gold*
I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I’m cool.
[colonizing Mars]
M:a:r:s