I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet
You Might Also Like
[I open my lunchbox to find pair of wife’s underwear]
But that means…
[Cut to my wife opening her lunchbox to find a pair of my underwear]
Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family
Thank god for cauliflower rice. Finally a way to chew hot water
her: i hate ultimatums
me (thought she said “old tomatoes”): well i love them, so time to decide. it’s them or me.
wife: What’s the best moment of your life?
me: That time I won a stuffed dino-
wife: That didn’t involve a dinosaur
me: Our wedding
me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”
Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄
[nudging the person next to me on the bus until they remove their earbuds]
hey i think i saw a horse a couple miles back
If God wanted to impress me with his ‘miracles’ he would’ve impregnated Joesph, not a poor unwed teenage girl. That shit happens every day.
Went to a parade.
For an hour, bored people on floats waved.
For an hour, My 2-year-old waved back.
It was the greatest day of her life.
[after sex]
her: you were really loudme: *putting down my trombone* yep
I have sitting jeans and I have standing jeans, but I don’t have a pair that’ll do both.
[My 8yo looking for something]
OMG WHERE IS IT IT’S GONE FOREVER WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT I’LL NEVER FIND IT WHERE COULD IT BE MY LIFE IS RUINED WHYYYYYYY—oh, here it is.
My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife
UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
Her: So, are you seeing anyone?
Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?
did you get the job?
“i don’t know yet”
when will they tell you?
interviewer: “keith can you please ask your mum to wait in reception”
I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.
Well, actually, FBI is not an acronym; it’s an initialism, because you can’t pronounce it as a word.
Mom: This is why you have no friends.
My neighbours just submitted a petition that I stop setting traps for stray pigs after I caught my 16th police man today.
Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?
ME: [slowly heating water containing frog]
WIFE: what are you doing!
ME: [adding bubble bath] Ribbit Downey Jr had a stressful day
I passed a library which is strange because I don’t remember eating any libraries.
Scientists claim that the Big Bang was the loudest noise that has ever occured in history. They obviously haven’t met my kids.
I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.
The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
“911, what’s the emergency?”
we were robbed. they stole the wireless router
“calm down”
also they shot my grandma or something. not sure
4yo: mommy, can you make me popcorn when you are done sitting?
Me: {gets into a more comfortable position} sureee!